Sitting at the kitchen table late at night-- the idea of sleep seems like a dream, but I've realized my diagnosis may not be insomnia but rather an addiction to caffeine-- I have a permanent smile, smirk of sorts, on my lips. I just realize how lucky, fortunate and blessed I am. I am aware of all the beauty that's in this world, how I can't go two minutes without witnessing some beautiful thing or another in nature, in life. And what's more, is when I am staring at this beauty, when it is in plain sight right before my eyes and I cannot be aware of anything else, it becomes astutely obcvious where all of this beauty comes from.

In case I'm being a bit ambigious, let me paint a picture for you: It's completely silent and quiet in the house because I have it all to myself, except for the soothing tunes of Josh Garrels in the background. It's a bit chilly because the cool Jersey shore air had yet to turn into that warm, summer breeze, so I'm comfortably wrapped up in my big red Maryland sweatshirt. My bare feet, with fresh red toe-nail polish, are propped up on the chair and my body is completely relaxed. My can of diet pepsi lime (I've lost count of how many that makes this for today) is beside the laptop- and next to me sits a petite glass vase with a single flower looking back at me. It's a type of daisy-I think- with a great big brown center that's soft and fuzzy to the touch, and what seems like hundreds of delicate deep yellow orange petals stretching out to the world around it. I might think the flower were lonely if it didn't seem to be so happy, bright, and smiling back at me.

Upon closer examination, after holding the flower in my hand, feeling the silky, gentle yet strong petals, I am overwhelmed with how much beauty and grace can be contained in this one little flower, this one daisy.

So much love and life and breath was given to this flower from the earth. So much gentleness was put into its growth. So much tenderness into its germination. It smells so sweet too, it almost seems unreal. Like one of those perfect little plastic flower you might buy at the craft store for 3.99- except its so far from that- this is real life. This is beautiful. This is creation.

And as i hold the wet, strong green stem between two fingers in my right hand, I not only see a cute yellow daisy, I see a piece of God himself. If this beautiful little thing were not part of God's creation, then someone please tell me how it could have been made. Everthing about this flower is beautiful. And is perfect. Even though some of its petals are longer than others and stick out at funny angles, and even though the center pollen thingies aren't symmetrical at all, this flower is perfect. I almost want to believe a more perfect flower has never been made. I looke at this flower, this living, growing thing, and thank God for growing it, and thank God for making me.

If this flower is perfect to God, than so am I. I believe that in God's eyes, he has made me who I am on purpose, and I find joy in the fact that I am loved for exactly who I am.

Untitled poem:

There is only one set of footprints on my bedroom floor,
one set of breakfast, lunch and dinner plates piled in my kitchen sink.
One body floating through the front door
and just one bathtowel hanging next to the shower.
The only voices are those of characters on the tv
or faceless singers on the radio--
strangers that live with me in this empty house.
The vegetables in my garden and the herbs in my flower pot
aren't lonely.
The zuchinni has the squash
and the basil has the cilantro.
I have my shadow to follow me where I go.
Except for on cloudy, rainy, foggy days like today.
Today, I have my typewriter, my guitar, my countless cups of coffee
to keep me company.
The empy space beside me invites my thoughts to fill it.
The air around me beckons me to spin and twirl and dance.
The world outside my covered windows seems caught in a trance--
where no one exists and seconds melt into hours.
Inside, with socks to warm my feet and words to warm my heart,
I am comfortable.
A smile spreads across my face and threatens the darkness outside.
If it knocks on my door, it will find no one home.
And it will leave.

Long Beach Island

Here I am again. Back home to LBI. LBI will always be a second home to me, even when my Grandma's house is gone (or, no longer "our" home). I've spent every summer here since I was born. It's more familiar to me than College Park, and just as familiar if not more than my town in North Carolina. I just love it here.

The four block walk to the ocean, the seagulls squaking at all hours, the starry sky, the smell of salt water, the sunset over the bay, the old hammock that is impossible to balance, bike rides, the wharf area. Everything here has been good memories.

And sadly, realisticly, this is going to be my last summer here. So i really should, and really do, want to make the best of it. I thought last summer would be my last, that I would have some snazzy summer internship lined up in DC, but I don’t. And that’s Ok. Because I love spending my summers here and having the chance to spend time with my grandma. This is usually the only time I get to see here, so I really value our time together. And I’ve learned to really appreciate all her stories of the good ol days and her words of wisdom. If you think about it, few people in the world ever purely love you. I mean, sure, you will have lots of boy/girl friends that say they “love” you and many friends who care about you and “love” you and your parents will always “love” you no matter what you do, but how genuine and real is that love when it comes down to it?

I can without a doubt tell that my Nana is one of the few people that will ever genuinely, purely love and care about me, and I am so thankful for that and for our friendship.

But back to LBI.

It’s definitely a big contrast to what I’ve been used to the past 8 or so months, living in College Park. It’s very family oriented here- and in CP because of the college town the family unit is basically non-existent. It’s very quite here. It’s very carefree, laid back and not stressful- which I am so relieved about. It’s completely the opposite of any big city or metropolitan area- no high rise buildings or chain restaurants or companies. It’s simple, that’s what the island is. And I cherish it’s simplicity.

I should really take advantage of that- and the free time I have away from school work and stress and other obligations- to discover new things. How many times in your life do you really have the opportunity to do that. I want to take up photography, and pursue it as a hobby on a normal basis. I have dabbled in it a few times before, but I have never quite gotten used to it and developed a skill for it.

Also, my bookshelf is staked with books upon books and countless magazines that are still to be read. Instead of sacrificing sleep to stay up watching terrible and boring movies until 3 am and then wanting to sleep till noon the next day, I should catch up on reading. Make something out of that free time when my insomnia is at its worst.

And now is the best time to get back in shape and start running again. Running on the beach is no easy task- it’s exhausting, but so fun! M oal is to get back to the level I was at at the beginning of freshman year where I can run 6 miles without stopping.

So I’ll leave with this. If you make one big purchase this summer, I encourage you to buy a good hammock. I really want to, probably won’t cause I’m saving my money for future travels and what not, but really, nothing is better than sitting and completely relaxing and taking a mid-afternoon nap in a hammock in the shade. :)

Jason Mraz is off the hizzay :) Finallizzay!

So! I'm FINALLY going to see Jason Mraz in concert this summer >> AUG 9 in Phill << and I'm just beside myself with excitement! I can hardly wait! I was thinking, and out of all of the musicians and artists and singers that I really like these days, he is the one that I have liked for the longest. most of my music tastes have varied, swayed, and changed, but not for MR.A-Z. Nope. He's still in the top two. Him and JET. And I'm pretty sure JET is number 2. But I have seen JET in concert and got to be FRONT ROW CENTER and they were freakin amazing! So Jason has a lot to live up to. I'm pretty bumed I'm seeing him in an open stage setting with such a large crowd, I would much rather it be in a small setting, small stage like Black Cat in Bmore... or better yet a coffee shop would be ideal, but that's pushing it a bit.... Anyways, I'm super pumped to see him live and I know it's going to be a great show with G. Love and Bushwala there as well!!

Widget

What does peace look like in your life?
Is it saying hello to the garbage collectors or cleaning ladies? Is it refraining from chastising your roomates about their uncleanly habits? Is it telling your professor that you appreciate their words of wisdom and enjoy their class? Is it letting a friend know how much you love them? Is it allowing your significant other to have the last say and win the petty argument?
We are so blessed to live in a county that isn't experiencing war. We can wake up in the morning to a beautiful sunrise without worrying about walking outside. We lay our heads down on soft pillows each not to a lulling silence that is void of distant bombs and gun shots. Peace is essentially everywhere in our lives. It's given to us, yet we don't readily acknowledge or realize that and how lucky we are.
So take a moment and reflect on the peace in your life. Be thankful for the areas where it's present. And in those places where you could use some peace, work at trying to remedy the conflict, so peace can shine like the sun on a bright summer afternoon.

"Seek peace and pursue it"

What would it look like if I turned my life fully over to God?

I'm convinced that my life would be filled with much more happiness and peace and joy, because with God, all there would be in life is love and hope. Lots and lots of it.

April has just passed us by

First, check out the band Tenth Avenue North - if you listen to just one of their songs, go to their website and under the media page listen to the song By Your Side.

Secondly, some things are changing. I can't quite touch my finger tip to what they are, but I just know times they are a changing. It's almost as if I'm at a cross roads of sorts. I'm sure with what though. It's almost like, I finally am realizing what life is. We're only given a very short amount of years to tread on this Earth, and we really ought to do as much as we can with it, we really ought to enjoy as much of it as we can, and most importantly, we really ought to change things and make a difference when we can.

I am so fortunate and feel so unbelievably blessed to have been given everything that I have and to have experienced all that I have. And I shouldn't take that for granted. I know I should take the resources and time and abilities and gifts that I have and share them with the world, with those who don't have them.

I am just really excited for what the future holds. There are so many opportunities to learn, to grow, to laugh, to cry, to do good in days to come- I just can't wait for it all.

To end, here are some lyrics from that song you should listen to:

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?