Thursday, December 16

FASHION!

So there's this REAAALLLYYY cool site: polyvore.com

and not only is it a fun procrastination tool from studying for finals, but it lets you pair clothing and accessories together to create outfits. love it!



I'M BACK!!

soo it's winter break... well, almost. at 6pm tommorrow after i'm done with work and two exams it will be. and thats why im restarting this blog- as a bit of a journal of my winter break experiences.

GOAL: have the most epic winter break EVER!! :)


So far, my epic plans entail: Christmas at the Coleys, hanging out with old friends, playing scrabble with my Grandma--and beating her--, Christmas itself, roadtripping to Montreal for New Years, roadtripping to Colombus Ohio, camping in the snow, and the Polar Bear Plunge.

And yes- scrabble is epic. don't judge.

Thursday, September 2

The blood in my veins is beginning to sneak
and seep away from my body.
It wants to slip through the day
and walk away from my mistakes and folly’s.
My blood, in black and blue and purple and red
drips onto a crinkled and torn, faded and forlorn
map of the world.
It follows roads to the gravestones of the living and beds of the dead.
It trickles into rivers,
into cracks in the earth’s crust.
It follows my footsteps back home.
It turns my past into dust.
I’ve tattooed my back with an American flag,
the colors running together in a black hole of pride.
I’ve tattooed my mind with dreams this nation:
the coastlines, the cities, the mountains, the countryside.

Monday, August 30

Tumble in

Tumble into this new fragment of life with your arms flailing wildly and your feet moving faster than you can run. Sprint, but not so fast that you will trip and fall and stumble on absurdities and obstructions that try to fog up your day. Focus on the sunshine, letting it stream through the curtains to awaken you early ever morning, letting it dress you with clothes of light so throughout the day you can shine...

Tuesday, August 10

August 9th poem:

In silence we patiently wait,
for the snow to sprinkle coldness down upon the last brisk days of fall,
for the newborn flower to spread open its fragile petals to let the moon shine in,
for life to turn to darkness as the last sweet breathe shuts the final door of our days.
In stillness we patiently wait,
as the fire crackles more softly while flames fade from white to blue and dimmer still,
as the luminescent street lights shine and bounce off beautifully engineered machines,
as legs and shoes, when movement they choose, flash briskly by the windows of our eyes.
In solitude we patiently wait,
with the silent wind moving unseen as it dances upon the scattered population,
with the still sunshine in all its golden, burning, sustaining brilliance,
with our head bent and our hands folded, a deluge of ourselves in hope of receiving some grace.
Once the snow has fallen,
the flowers have bloomed
and the coffin has been placed in the ground,
there is nothing left to see.
After the coals have fallen cold and gray,
the colors have been turned off and blackness blankets both man and beast,
and the movement grows slower as soles are worn thin and blisters form,
there is nothing left to feel.
When the wind dies down and dust no longer gathers in storms,
the sun slips away from the day and beckons darkness upon the world,
and the floor next to the bed is indented from kneeling in desperate prayer,
there is nothing left to be
We patiently waited our years away for nothing
as the silence, stillness and solitude created a barrier between us and our lives.
A thin cobweb that was torn apart by a raging bull.
Let the silence break with claps of thunder and crashing cymbols.
Let the stillness dissolve into a frenzy of a wild metropolitan crowd.
Let the solitude vanish as the world comes together, all held in one great hand.
Let us stop waiting,
and live.

Saturday, July 31

Whisper in the wind

My office is the world and in it I sleep and wake, I watch and wonder. Perched on my small desk chair-- often a splintered park bench, a sagging coffee shop sofa, or a sticky metro seat-- I dream.

I dream of flying over infinitely lush meadows sprinkled with dandelions that glow light baby suns and of sailing in between gigantic clouds that tower over me like a tidal wave.

All I want in life is to be a writer, but I am so afraid, because I always feel I have noting to write. I have nothing to say. My simple words and mediocre thoughts are meaningless in the great span of things. What could I contribute to a world that exists perfectly without the neutrons and protons that huddle together to form the nucleus that makes the atom that clings to other atoms to make the beautifully tragic cells that have grown my body.

Even I do not belong to myself, but to the earth. To the systems that created where we live, that caused Pangea to evolve so that landmasses would spread to the ends of the planet, bold-bellied oceans would form, and caustic mountains would rise. I belong to some God that I have never intimately known. I am a product of nature, a child of the twilight sky and the twinkling stars and the twirling raindrops that dance across my face.

Without air I could not breathe. Without the sun I could not see. Without love I could not be.

A weathered farmer with wrinkles as deep as canyons plant corn seed expecting it to grow into a field of maze, and if it does not, he blames the earth, the natural inclination of passing space and time. He blames Nature herself.

But when I fail to produce the fruits of my labor, when I fall short and I am on my knees in front of my shadow I cannot blame the way the moon rises and drifts across the sky and falls into the horizon as dawn nears. It is my own doing. My own selfish accomplishment, or lack thereof.

Am I a writer if I have no good words. In order to write I must have something important to say. What do I have to say that has not been said before. What words can I whisper that have not already been caught up in the wind, to be scattered among the languages of the people of the earth. I cannot keep seeking and relying on others for inspiration. Fake words and incomplete actions do not produce greatness. I need natural inspiration.

Trees tall enough to reach to heaven so I can climb up and touch my maker's lips with the tips of my fingers. Oceans longer that the horizon is wide so I can feel all that the world experiences float past me with the pulling and dragging of the twice daily tide. I must leave this closet of suppression and allow myself to really lie. I must break out of the confines of my cubicle, as grand as my office may be with its clear glass walls and high lofty ceilings, the boundaries are still here. It must be just me and the world.

Wednesday, July 7

"I get a kick out of you"

What a shame that so few in our generation still hold on to an appreciation of and a fascination with those things that our grandparents and greatgrandparents held so dear in their lives. The classic books, the great romantic films, the extremely talented singers, the flashy classic clothes: to most now-a-days it seems so ancient, but in fact these vintage ideas, talents and dreams are what shaped and created the culture that we love so much today.

I'm re-reading The Great Gatsby, one of my all-time favorites. The way F.S. Fitzgerald created a classic jazz-age world for readers is amazing. And I just love holding his words in my hands and pretending like I'm sitting there in Gatsby's glowing, heat-stricken parlor on Long Island in the middle of the summer during the Roaring Twenties, drinking with Daisy and Jordan, and just passing the summer by, until the season changes and "life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall" (ch VII).



And I've been listening to Frank Sinatra and some of his peers recently. The way Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald can make you want to get up and boogy is completely beyond me. The sound of that type of music is so rich, so bold, so CLASSIC. It almost takes me back in time. Check out this tune by Frank for a good 'ol classic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRi7gKTNpEY

So I'm raising my plastic wine glass of Merlot (one of these days I'll buy some real wine glasses...) to those of you who still do take part in the vintage, the wisened, the cultured features left for us to enjoy by past generations. Here's to Gatsby and Nick Carraway, to Sinatra and Bill Holiday, and to the old, lone souls that are still holding out today to tell their charming and classy stories of their times during the Twenties.

Tuesday, June 29

Untitled Poem

With a few miles behind my tires
we tread on.
We’ve many more highways and bi-ways to travel.
The flashing lights signal me to slow down;
the speed limit signs entice me to go faster.
I watch the needle on the dash edge toward the red,
and I close my eyes and clasp my hands
and pray to avoid disaster.
The road signs teach me that these are the days
to make mistakes;
that these are the ways
to keep my soul awake;
that I am young and have the luxury of time.
But what is time when it’s wasted inside lonely cubicles
or with your nose hidden inside dusty books,
while your real desires gather dust in your mind’s crannies and nooks.
I drink cup after cup of coffee,
draining my veins of blood and injecting them with syringes of caffeine,
but that only works for the body,
and only until we become immune to the sleeplessness of in between.
So how do I keep my life from drifting off into a deep sleep?
We try to smile often; we rarely weep.
We figure that just one more heavy paycheck could get us through this week.
But our bodies grow restless and our minds become bleak,
windswept expanses of shadowy dreams.

Monday, June 21

In heaven

I hope heaven is something like the Jersey Shore.
The Jersey Shore that’s like Long Beach Island
with the surfboards and the seagulls
and with the little curly-haired kids in their tiny swimsuits running with excited fear from the shore break;
but not the Jersey Shore that is like Seaside with the greasy fries and drunken parties.
I have nothing against Seaside though, don't think that.
Watching Ferris wheels and half naked girls and guys stroll down the boardwalk is hilarious.

I hope heaven is like a cool breeze on a hot summer’s day
that sends chills down your spine when you’ve been sweating for the past three hours.
And I hope there will be soft-serve chocolate ice cream in heaven. And I better be able to get extra chocolate sprinkles
every
single
time.

I hope Jesus likes me in heaven,
that all my selfish desires and pride can finally disappear when I am standing my his side
so close
that I can see the wrinkles in his forehead from years of worrying about me
and the crows feet at the corners of his eyes from years of laughing at all the stupid things I’ve done.
I hope that when I stand in front of Jesus I can
for the first time
be confident that he loves me
all of me.
I can see in the reflection of his wide pupils that he cares more for me than I can imagine.
And that it’s real.
That it’s always been real.
And he will just smile
and listen
when I tell him how sorry I am for having doubted so often and for so long.

I hope in heaven I get to have dance parties with Jesus.
I’ll do the Twist and he’ll do the Macarena and we’ll laugh for hours at how horribly our dance moves are.
And we’ll have tears in our eyes that glisten in the golden sun
for all eternity.

Wednesday, June 16

"With the wild wolves around you, in the morning I'll call you" (Bon Iver)

Bon Iver's music video for The Wolves (Act I and II)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9lrVZdaluk

Definitely worth taking the few minutes to watch.

Makes me miss winter, bonfires, and the playing for hours in the woods.

Monday, June 14

A Panoramic life

Sometimes the world just needs to be seen through completely open eyes. Why does society insist on its members to wink and squint, to distort and enlarge, to cover one or both eyes with a blindfold, when the world seems to have been created to be seen fully and wholly. Our eyes were created with peripheral vision, with the ability to see near and far. We can turn our necks to span from left to right and up and down, creating the widest possible panoramic view we can. And we can even twist our hips and step in circles to get a completely 360 degree view of our surroundings.

We are meant to see every detail the world and the fabric of life can offer us.

Therefore I refuse to give in to the whims of society and be restricted in my world views. I will not be wronged by pressures of my peers and tradition. The world we live in deserves to be absorbed by our minds in an all-encompassing fashion.

What I'm getting at is this: why allow myself to be consumed by society's iron cage, to say "This is what I'm going to do with my life" or "That is the job I am going to get when I graduate" when there are SO many paths that my life could take and so many directions I could turn. I don't want to live encumbered by a fixed mindset, but rather keep my options open wide to let the universe breathe into my breath and gently guide me in the direction of my fate, bobbing up and down with the rising tides of today and tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 25

"Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" (by Rob Pirsig)

I began reading this book about a week ago, and so far so good. It's actually very ironic that I picked it up and started reading it at this time in my life, just because I lot of the broad issues it touches on, such as  technology, rationality, and beauty (as in romanticism), are also issues that I have recently studied in classes, discussed with friends, or have simply come to think about a lot in the sense of how I fit in with that particular school of thought and how that thought fits in with the world.

Here's a very interesting excerpt from the book:

"When analytic thought, the knife, is applied to experience, something is always killed in the process. That is fairly well understood, at least in the arts. Mark Twain's experience comes to mind, in which after he had mastered the analytic knowledge needed to pilot the Mississippi River, he discovered the river had lost its beauty. Something IS always killed. But what is less noticed in the arts-- something is always created too. And instead of just dwelling on what is killed it's important also to see what's created and to see the process as a kind of death-birth continuity that is neither good nor bad, but just IS."

This passage may seem very random and out of place and you probably are very confused reading it since you don't know the context it came out of, but no worries. Even with the book's context applied, the passage still is out of place and makes very little sense. Whenever the author deviates from his narrative or reality and goes into tangents on rationality and ghosts and what is real and what is not, you basically have no idea what he's talking about. That's not always a bad thing, though, because sometimes you have to have no idea what someone is talking about in order to discover some new bit of knowledge.

But back to the excerpt, I agree and can relate to his first claim, then when you fully understand the analytic knowledge of something it DOES lose its beauty. I have always loved writing, so when I had to start thinking back in high school about what I wanted to be when I grew up (funny isn't it, how we're never fully "grown up", how we are always still aspiring to that thing which we want to be, "when we grow up") and I made the obvious decision to follow my passion for writing and become a journalist. But after three years of clumsily shodding my way through the school newspaper in high school and then diving into rigorous and terribly difficult journalism writing classes in college and spending months and months trying to land a position at the college newspaper, and then when I did, realizing how I am in no way cut out for the ugliness and crassness of the newsroom, I quit. I had too. Writing had become gray, black, and ugly. It was no longer a beautiful blue sky or a bright orange sun shine. Analytically understanding and dissecting writing killed the natural art of writing for me. (Although the book talks about killing something off always creates something new, well I have yet to really discover what that is, but when I do, I'll let you know).

One more thing relating to the aforementioned excerpt, I do NOT agree with the author's claim that something can be seen as "neither good nor bad, but just is." Here he is referring the a life-like cycle of death and rebirth that are the effect of analytic thought, but that is not important. What is crucial is how WRONG he is. EVERYTHING is either good or bad. Nothing is NOTHING. Similarly to how the fact of gravity existed way before the scientific discovery of gravitational force was made (got that from the book too!), nothing can exist with out being good or bad. What's in the middle? There is no middle. There is no "OK" in life. Because where does something fit into OK if it is not good or bad? OK is a socially conceptualized expression of laziness. Sunshine is good. Vampires are bad. Tofu is..... well, i say it's good, but most of society would yell at me that it is disgusting and nasty and bad. So yes, some truth are subjective, many are actually. The point is, how even though I fully believe that everything has a good or a bad truth to it, it is still SO hard to distinguish this absolute truth in my daily life. So often I cannot tell if an action or decision is good or bad, or it just never crosses my mind as to if what I do is bad then I shouldn't do it, or if what I do is good then I should do it more often.

So my challenge to you after this lengthy tirade is this: Think about what you consider to be absolute truth in your life, whether it has to deal with abortion, gay rights, family issues, broken friendships, love. Why are they absolutely Good or Bad to you, but completely opposite to someone else. What is your role in figuring out what they mean to you and backing that up with conviction? And most importantly, how do you deal with the gray areas, the things in your life that you can't figure out if they are wholly good or wholly bad?

Friday, May 21

"Details in the fabric"

There are many intricate details in life that we miss. We fail to notice them because we do not think about the details in the fabric. Have you ever actually, literally stopped to smell a bush of roses? If you haven't, why not?

I feel very gracious that I am blessed with so many simple things in life to be thankful for. Sunshine. Laughter. Knowledge. Friends. The list is literally endless.

But I realized something awesome today at work. I was sorting through and processing documents from the national capitol park service from 30 or 40 some odd years ago and I came across a remarkable architectural sketch of a bridge. It was a plain overpass located somewhere in the DC metro area over an arbitrary expressway, but the drawing was simply beautiful. It hit me that so often we drive under those things, thinking in our minds how ugly and unwelcoming they are. But this drawing was magnificent.

Why can't we see an overpasses the way the architect does, as a support structure bridging two places together an and making something that was previously impossible, now possible? When looking at a city garden square downtown, why don't we see each individual tree as an oak, a maple, or a red cedar, reaching its branches towards the heavens? Or when thinking about an area of land, why don't we divide up each little land use intricacy to ponder why the land is used and how its used and for what purpose?

So instead of just looking up at the sunshine and smiling because it's sunny out, I am going to be humbled by the gift of warmth and light and think of the able ways the sun benefits us, not only for those reasons but many more, including solar power! :)

Here is a lovely Jason Mraz song  called Details in the Fabric. Give it a listen!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdIw6tEjyEg

Sunday, May 16

"Love the earth and sun and the animals"

I'm a hypocrite. I really am. I always encourage others to follow their dreams, to do great things, to accomplish all that they can. But I don't do any of that. I am lazy and afraid and unmotivated at times. I'd rather be complacent and take the easy way out than risk failure or embarrassment.

I need to change.

I talk and think so much about what I want out of life, what I can contribute to this earth, but I don't start anything and I don't take action. I need to stop lying to myself.

I need to take action.

This isn't meant to be a completely discouraging post, but rather it is a wake up call to myself. I need to figure out a way to encourage myself and to follow through with my desires and my dreams. I need to figure out how to pick up my feet and begin moving forward. I need to stop dwelling on my shortcomings, figure out what it is I really want to do or at least figure out what it is I can work towards accomplishing, and begin. And along the way I need to cherish the journey and the moments, to appreciate the little things, and to remember the good and grow from the bad.

Here's an awesome Walt Whitman qoute:
"This is what you shall do: love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning god, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body..."


So how do you need to change? How should you take action? How do you want to live your life to the fullest?

Saturday, May 15

Begin it.


Original photo: by Susannah Tucker (http://www.etsy.com/shop/susannahtucker)

And check out the song Mango Tree by Angus and Julia Stone.

Actually, just check out Angus and Julia Stone. They rock. In a folksy, mellow, beautiful way, but still, they rock none the less. :) I think I may have stumbled upon my new favorite band!

Friday, May 14

"Mindful of you the sodden earth in spring"

"Mindful of you the sodden earth in spring"
by Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

Mindful of you the sodden earth in spring,
And all the flowers that in the springtime grow,
And dusty roads, and thistles, and the slow
Rising of the round moon, all throats that sing
The summer through, and each departing wing,
And all the nests that the bared branches show,
And all winds that in any weather blow,
And all the storms that the four seasons bring.
You go no more on your exultant feet
Up paths that only mist and morning knew,
Or watch the wind, or listen to the beat
Of a bird's wings too high in air to view,--
But you were something more than young and sweet
And fair,--and the long year remembers you.

It's days like today, a warm sunshine laden earth after too much rain and cold and clouds, that reminds me of how grateful I am just to be alive. Though I'm exhausted and worn out from school and everything, I so much appreciate the wonderful gift that nature is. I hope to always remember how it feels to sit outside in the springtime and in the sunshine and just be. Not do anything but apprecaite the warmth of the sun on my skin and the birds singing in the trees and the happy bugs flying about.
This poem is about just that too. It's about being grateful for the little things in life, not even things that we have been outright given by others nor the things we have acquired for ourselves, but the simplicities of each day, storms, and seasons, and nature, and dust. It all combines and works together in an intricate, delicate way to form the lives that we live, the beautiful lives that we live, so we ought to be appreciative and praiseful. We have no reason not to be. The earth IS "young and sweet and fair" and we can get great joy from celebrating that.

This morning on my way walking from the parking lot to the gym, I happened to see on my right side a tiny little dandelion, smaller than any I had ever seen before in my life. It was only maybe an eigth of the size of a normal dandelion, but still was fully grown, with all those littly wispy white things placed perfectly in a circle. I picked it and took a breath and exhaled and set those petals free, whirling like in a tornado around me. It was incredibly beautiful and one of those things that just can't be described in words. But it did put a wide smile on my face out of sheer delight for nature's pleasures.

Photo: "Under a country sky we grow" by Susannah Tucker


(for more of her work check out: http://www.etsy.com/shop/susannahtucker)

Monday, May 10

Nothing left to hide.

"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

When it comes down to it, I hope and pray that I can be a light to the world. That through my actions, my words, my demeanor, my smile, my ideals, I can leave the world a bit brighter than it would have been without me. Isn't that what we all want? If so, that why don't we act like it? I know I sure don't always smile, say kind words, give hugs when I should. But why not? What's stopping us? Fear? Denial? Judgement? But what's more powerful than all of those? Harmony. Peace. Kindness. Understanding. LOVE.

Here's a link for a beautiful song. A bit depressing and somber, but this is true feelings. It hits your heart for sure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUzDMDmHOoQ

Hope you have a happy, blessed evening. :)

We can

My words themselves have no power, but through my actions I believe the ideals that they stand for can change the world. I hope that the people I meet throughout my life will be touched by something in me, whether it's warmth and kindness, love, gratitude, peace, or grace, I want to stand for what I beleive in: that the world is made up of currents of goodness and righteousness, breaths of God himself, and that our actions naturally are swayed by these winds, these motions of harmony.

We cannot do it alone,
but together,
brothers,
sisters,
friends,
we CAN affect positive social change.
We CAN remind the world of gratitude and compassion.
We CAN, through our actions,
every
single
day,
change this cold, dormant planet
into a lush and beautiful
heaven of joy.

Tuesday, May 4

Freedom

Life seems bound
by regulations, judgements and expectations,
shackled by interpretations
so that when dusk falls like a rock
it shatters each day into a million fragmentations.
The only color an artist would use when painting
a still life of my present
is gray.
But I please and I curse,
I beg and I bleed;
I try to argue
time is more interesting spent living at the fray.
Need to add a palate of color to my day:
a splash of orange,
a touch of a brighter shade.
Beautifully misplaced
are the weeds,
serving no purpose, filling no needs.
Dandelions
a yellow spot lost in a green sea
have no hesitations,
they just grow free.
My life seems bound,
by the clouds,
by the bricks,
by your stones and your sticks.
Beautifully misplaced,
like a cold glass of sweet tea
in the middle of December,
like dreams shot by a rocket away into space,
searching for understanding,
in need of heavenly grace.

Tuesday, April 27

Something greater

When our days are cloudy and our nights are gray
when we search and stumble for a place to stay
a place to rest our weary heads
when we have no sheets on our dusty beds

When the nights drag on
and the days never end
when you feel like you can never see
the finish line around the bend
when the wind is cold
and the rain is hard
and the grass looks greener in your neighbor's yard

Remind yourself that YOU were made for so much more
for something greater
for a path much straighter
than the crooked lives we seem to lead.
Next time you find yourself on your knees beginning to plead
for help
just turn your face
look toward grace
and God will meet you there.

You won't relent

There's this beautiful song called "You won't relent" that I wanted to share with ya'll. Here are some lyrics from the song:

You won't relent untill you have it all
My heart is yours

I set you as a seal upon my heart
as a seal upon my arm
for there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy as demanding as the grave
and many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

I just love how this song so delicately and truthfully displays the all-consuming love that we can have for Christ and how God feels so passionate about us. He will not relent. He won't ever give up on us. And he wants to be that powerful fire in our hearts, a power that fueled by love that is stronger than death, because Christ did overcome the grave.

And that same love that God has for us, for our hearts, is what can shape and mend and move our lives.

2 Corinthians 5: 14 says: For Christ's love compel's us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died.

Here's a link to the song on Youtube. You should definitely check it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UQxp0YhRuM

Sunday, April 25

Sit


By the fire
we will sit.
Perched by the hearth
with love in our hearts.
We will sit through storms of snow
and rains and sleet,
through spring and fall,
hardwood floors,
bare feet.
We will sit with our children
their curly locks shining in the sunlight.
We will sit with our mothers,
refusing to fight,
and with our fathers,
smiling tight.
We will sit and sit
and sit some more,
all the while wondering
what everyone else is running so fast for.

Wednesday, April 21

Tightrope walkers



(images of Phillippe Petit printed in 1974, google images)


My immediate happiness hinges on your potential to smile
and boy, do you grin.
Ear to ear.
I'm ecstatic.
Praying that the silent static between the lines
connecting our lives
is a hopeful
solid
beginning.
A beautiful foundation.
Shining glory gives us blessing
and in our hearts love begins her nesting.
Don't let me down this time,
I pray as I'm walking on the line,
the tightrope that streches in between
today and 1974
and ties me to the balancing pole above Manhattan.
But I take on the feat
and do so with courage
and trusting that even if I fall
you will be waiting to pull me to my feet.

Tuesday, April 20

The Heart of Life

There is literally almost nothing better than waking up with a slight smile on your face and when you stumble into the bathroom instead of that sleep-eyed barely awake figure you see yourself- smile and all- staring back with a twinkle in your eyes. No matter where your day turns after that, you can be reminded by how simply happy you felt earlier that morning, and then all will be ok.

I also awoke with John Mayer in my head singing "I know the heart of life is good, I know it's good!". Such a great song!

And if you think about it, what is at the center of the heart of life? Our creator, the God of the universe, and all the goodness that he has created.

When we place our faith in Christ, God gives us the Holy Spirit, a beautiful, wonderful and powerful gift that rests in our hearts.

And the "fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22,23). And who doesn't want love and joy and peace and goodness?

Wednesday, April 14

For humanity

In his essay Self Reliance, Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote:

"I will stand here for humanity,
and though I would make it kind,
I would make it true.

Let us affront and reprimand the smooth mediocrity
an squalid contentment of the times,
and hurl in the face of custom,
and trade, and office,
the fact which is the upshot of all history,

that there is a great responsible Thinker and Actor moving
wherever moves a man;
that a true man belongs to no other time or place,
but is the center of things."

What an encouraging profession of who we are and what we can be! Will you just take this as words, or take it to hear and soul an stand for humanity in truth ? Will you avoid mediocrity and realize your potential as a Thinker and Actor ? It is a great calling, but yet for a greater cause.

Monday, April 12

Golden flowers

Distance is the enemy, but time is on our side.
Let respect be the groom, wed to truth the bride.
Unknown is the future; forgotten is the past,
and old memories are covered with sticky selectivity.
I grow doubtful of rationality and proceed with timidity.
Fast, grace flies by; forgiveness thrown to the wind.
Hope resides in silver clouds above and love remains the final dividend.
Reflected in my thoughts are images of yours,
but still they vary,
flee or tarry,
serenity or war?
Sensibility screams loud, but my heart beats faster.
Although I fear earthquakes and disaster,
trust will slowly come to pass and lie to rest
among golden flowers.

Wednesday, April 7

Be free

If you could be anywhere else doing anything else right now, where and what would it be?

Not that I am not perfectly content now, rather I am. Sitting at my desk bending and forming my brain for tomorrow's exam, I am content. And happy. Today was an excellent day. And though the sun has set hours ago, I still feel its light in my body, its warmth in my heart.

But, though I try to concentrate on my studies, on what is social stratification and inequality and all the facets that explain why these injustices exist, my mind is elsewhere. My mind is restless.

Right now I wish so badly to be curled up in a hammock with a warm, somewhat scartchy blanket around my shoulders and watching the sun set over a purple horizon as the waves lap on the shore and seagulls float over head. I yearn for the shore, for the freedom that exists within your soul as you stand at the edge of the water and peer with gently eyes toward the never ending horizon.

Gosh, these thoughts make me miss Long Beach Island so bad. And freedom.... but I am free. So why don't I feel so? Why do books and timelines and work and relationships hold me captive? Why do I let them?

The good news, I don't have to.
And neither do you.

Allow yourself to be free.
Allow yourself to fly.

There's nothing holding us back but our own two feet. :)

Saturday, March 27

Live with no regrets

This past week I stumbled across the following qoute by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some
blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it serenely and with too high a
spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
I feel like this qoute relates very closely to how I feel about being a
Christian. I've never considered if it is neccessarily biblical to "live with no
regrets," as is the common phrase, but I've done a bit of looking up and I have
a hunch that this mentality does merge somewhere along the line with Christian
beliefs and convictions.

First, I think it is important to look at what the word regret means and actually refers too. The dictionary gives the following synonyms for regret: affliction, bitterness, concern, disappointment, grief, sorrow.

Now, how does this concept apply to our lives? Well, we are to have concern, ie, "regret" for our sins. Of course we are! When we sin, which we all surely will no matter how hard we try not to because we are far from perfect (read 1 John if your interested in hearing more about how sin plays into our lives), we should hope for what is called "Godly sorrow" which can help us to rightly feel bad for our sins and seek God's grace for forgiveness. Now this "Godly sorrow" term I heard for the first time in January when I was the Passion Conference. Beth Moore was explaining how when we sin, we should feel guilty about it in order to truly feel sorrow and genuinely want to seek forgiveness. She explained how sometimes we don't feel bad about or regret our sins, and in this cases we should continually seek and ask the Lord to give us Godly sorrow.

In 2 Corinthians chapter 7 it says:

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret,
but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you:
what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what
alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every
point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter."

I think this is a beautiful passion, that gives us so much hope as believers and as people who walk by faith and try our hardest to live like Christ.

I searched Blue Letter Bible (an awesome reference tool for diving deeper into the word) for the word "forgive" and it was completely humbling and just truly amazing how many search results came back and how many times it comes up in the bible, literally HUNDREDS of times!! Here are just a few example of the greatness and power of God's forgiveness:

"Then hear from heaven, your dwelling place. Forgive, and deal with each man
according to all he does, since you know his heart, for you alone know the
hearts of men." - 2 Chronicles 6:30

The Lord declares, "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." -Jeremiah 31:34

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins
and purify us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9

To wrap it up, in Isaih 43 it says:

"Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past."
The entire chapter (it's not long, so I highly suggest you go find your Bible and read it or just google Isaiah 43 online and read it, you won't regret it!) is truly amazing. It talks about how God, the God of the universe who also created us, is always with us through no matter what we experience. It beautifully describes God's mercy and how great it is. My final thought is this: the reason God wants us to "forget the past", so to say, is because once we recognize our sins, repent and sincerely desire forgiveness for our sins after experiencing Godly sorrow for what we did, then it dosn't matter anymore, becuase that sin was forgiven when Christ hung on the cross 2,000 years ago. We have been forgiven and redeemed, thus we should go live and be joyful.

Monday, March 22

Body

In the shady alleyway
the figures bend
and end their days
hugging those they love
and shrugging those they loathe.
In these gray moments
you can only see
only feel
silhouettes
black
against the zest of life and light
that burns behind their figures.
Some figures lean against the cool brick wall
scratching their bodies and their clothes
but keeping their inner skin from being touched.
Other bodies lean against each other
lightly
slightly
making contact with each other’s hearts
each other’s souls.
Still others
stand with space the size of Antarctica between them
so far away
each other’s facial intricacies
smiles
eyes
freckles
become invisible.
Twinkling lights flash between bodies
regardless.
In these dark alleys
between mountains of buildings and rivers of sidewalks
among putrid dumpsters
rats
and cats
amid shops and homes and dreams and things
feelings and wishes and words and desires and fears
also float through the air
and drift between bodies.
And out of the darkness comes mystery
comes new days
emerges enemies
friendships
lovers.
The figures bend around the darkness to find the light
their light
the light each shares with the other body.

Saturday, March 20

In Bali, a tiny Hindu Indonesian island, the people live with achieving what we would call "balance" as their utmost goal in life. This sense of balance is found not only by organizing and celebrating and ceremonially arranging their outward experiences, but by remaining in sync with the divinity they seek inward with their God. Their balance is found by finding the center of north, south, east, and west in all that they do and their culture is heavily and beautifully influenced by rich customs, such as the creative Balinese dancing (it reminds me a bit of a mix of the Macarenna, the Twist, and Yoga) and rituals of prayer and meditation.

I tell you all of this background information to prelude the observation that the two most important questions in Balinese culture when interacting with someone you don't know are "Where are you going?" and "Where are you coming from?".

When I read this, I was surprised at my own answers to these simply worded questions:

"Where are you going?"

The future.

"Where are you coming from?"

The past.

...... well duh. So is everyone else.

Really, Michelle, where ARE you going? Although it is frighteningly unknown, I am trying my hardest to go toward my hopes and my dreams, toward happiness and fulfillment and joy, to many days of good health and smiles and laughs shared with people whom I love. I am going toward knowledge, to places and peoples unknown to me thus far, to new experiences, to love, to discovery.

And where AM I coming from? I am sure of this. I am coming from a family that loves me beyond what I can comprehend until I have my own and a southern town that will always welcome me home no matter how far away I stray. I come from groups of friendly memories with both old and new, lost and found and re-found acquaintances. I come from years of growing pains, terrible mistakes, nights of tears and mornings of prayers, and many many lessons learned.

But I must add one more question that I deem crucial to finding this balance we all so desperately seek. Where am I NOW?

Now. I am seeking, learning, recovering, growing, hurting, loving, trying, believing. Right now I am in entangled in so many webs, it all seems to far from balance. But I know I have many people to help me untangle these threads that hold me back and many more helpful ways to further weave my world so that it connects the mysteriously serene present to the thoughtful past with the hopeful future.

Wednesday, March 10

In all my tired ways
I continually exhaust these tired days.
By breath, my thoughts, my heartbeat,
it all remains the same.
The same stagnant boredom of tomorrow and yesterday
tied together in the meaningless function of today.
What is a day?
What is a day but just one empty and slow space of simple time
in relation to the imensity of the complexity of life itself.
What is life?
What it life but a shallow crack in the fortified wall of all eternity.
A radiant heaven hovers above and a burning he'll rests below.
The green and blue spaces here, though beautiful in thier humanly colors,
lack the luster of an alternate reality.
So, to resolve in order to fall into a deep restless sleep, where one can hide from all realities known and unkown to man,
this hazy inbetween, where there is no black or white,
no gold or crimson,
where there is only a grayness brought on by the bleeding greens and blues,
this crying space is where our yearning lives seek ingenuity.

Sunday, March 7

work in progress:

In the beginning
God created the heavens and the earth.
But when did this beginning begin?
When did the Maker step down from his perch
to make stars bigger than we could ever comprehend,
seemingly bigger than any possible sin.

Wednesday, March 3

If we begin to sway

For man, unlike any other thing organic or inorganic in the universe, grows beyond his work, walks up the stairs of his concepts, emerges ahead of his accomplishments. This you may say of man—when theories changes and crash, when schools philosophies, when narrow dark alleys of thought, national, religious, economic, grow and disintegrate, man reaches, stumbles forward, painfully, mistakenly sometimes. Having stepped forward, he may slip back, but only half a step, never the full step back.
--Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath


photo: couresty of Life; photographer: Alfred Eisenstaedt


It baffles my mind everytime I think about how small and insignificant my life is in the great span of things. Yet still, in my lifetime, so much is going to happen. I also am always fascinated by what Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Life is what you make it. Always has been, always will be." This is so true, and although I enjoy those days where I sit around the living room reading and sipping tea and occaisonaly staring out the window to remind me that the world still goes on, quickly, as I sit there doing nothing, I have come to realize that my best days, when I feel most productive at the end of the day, are the days that I interact, communicate, and conversate with the most people.

At the end of my schooling, I gurantee you that it will not by the grade on my first statistics test of the semester or the week or so of very little sleep I got that I will remember. It is going to be the people I meet, the laughs I share, the hugs (and maybe if I'm lucky, even the kisses) that I give that will remain etched and engraved in my memory for years to come.

Going back to Steinbeck's qoute above, I think that it is beautifully constructed, but I also believe that it is because of others, because of man's intimate and emotional relations with other humans, that enable man to be all he can be. Yes, at times we are all going to fall and stumble, but when we have people around us to encourage us and to pick us back up when we fall, it makes the fall much shorter and the stumbling even humurous. It is our friends and families and loved ones that cause us to only take half a step back instead of a full one, because they are there right there with us, stepping side by side, and catching us if we begin to sway.

Sunday, February 28

Weekly reflection:

This past week was my trial for my Ambitions & Goals lists that I made last week. Let me reflect on how I did:

I choose reading over tv in the sense that I decided to give up tv for lent, so I have successfully not watched any tv or movies, but I did somewhat cheat Friday night and watched the past two episodes of The Bachelor online. So minor fail. But it feels more freeing not sitting infront of a mindless TV show (....you know, in front of the real tv because the bachelor is totally cool....)

I definitely have not been eating more healthy or drinking lots of water, but now since there's only like two weeks till Spring Break I will definitely make sure to do so, starting right now!

I think I did smile a good bit this past week and am doing an OK job at appreciating the little things.

I have been really trying to love more, and I like doing it!

I have been writing more often for sure, which feels great, but it hasn't been daily.

I think I only ran once last week. Fail.

Definitely have no idea what is going on in the news right now, might have to scratch that one in the near future.

Have not read a new poem, hopefully I can get to that soon. Did write a poem though.

Didn't talk to my Nana :(

The whole doing something to make someone else happy is easier when you try to always love.

I tried something new with the MOSAIC diversity and leadership retreat I went on this weekend!

Can't remember any adventures... :(

Made a TON of new friends!

Added:
Tried a new recipie: chocolate biscotti, yummmm!
And do something spontaneous: hung out with friends at the diner after the Gathering and randomly high-fived a flannel wearing person I didn't know- pretty fun!

So here's to a new week: A new me, defined by more significant actions that will hopefully leave the week better for not only myself but those around me.

Inspirational qoute for the week:
"Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world." - Desmond Tutu

Wednesday, February 24

Wordography

This is my first "wordograph". It is a collection of words, exactly one hundred, of an image and feeling that goes along with it. This is my way of making up a fun, enjoyable writing excercise to constantly think creatively and beautifully. Hope you enjoy. :)



1. A gradient of blue strewn about the expanse overhead, lighter at left and deeper on the right. Grass greener than it’s been all season, hinting toward the spring that’s creeping around the calendar corner. Birds. Everywhere: hats of trees, adornments on bushes, decorations on the sidewalk. All singing a beautiful, sunlit song. And the light. Can’t remember a glow this bright—this light is shimmering, shining, full of luster. The air is soft and flowing, blowing gently against rosy cheeks, freckled forehead, through unkempt locks. The day’s beauty makes you feel thankful, gracious, and full of exciting happiness.

Tuesday, February 23

Sunshine

It's funny how on dark, rainy days we all become so down and depressed. All we can see and feel is the dampness and the grayness. We are stuck in our own worlds, unable to see the greater picture. We don't think about tomorrow's sunshine, only today's puddles and mud. We don't think that above the heavy rain clouds the sun still shines. But it does. The sun is always there throughout the day, no matter how dark the sky may seem, how wet the ground may be, or how long you have been using your umbrella as a shield, the sun is still there- 93 million miles away- but it is still shining across the universe, sending forth light and warmth to the earth. So I challenge you, the next day you have where you feel like the whole world is cold, dark, lonely and gray, keep your chin up my friend because there's sunlight outhere- probably closer than you think- and your gray skies will clear soon. And maybe, just maybe, if you bring your umbrella down for a second and turn your eyes towards the heavens, maybe you will see a glimpse of light between the clouds, a pocket of sunshine where the beams are trying their hardest to peak through, to light up the earth, and to put that smile back on your face.

Sunday, February 21

Purpose

One of the hardest things to deal with is trying to figure out why something happened the way that it did. I'm not sure I believe in "coincidences" or "fate", rather I do believe everything happens for a purpose, as part of the greater plan of the God of the universe.

The dictionary defines coincidence as:

"a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance"

and fate as:
"something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune".

I'd like to think that God makes those occurences and situations that we may view as coincidence, fate, and chance and he creates those as part of his master plan.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
This is all very reassuring, to know that all things that happen are for the good of myself. That God, my Father who loves me beyond anything I can imagine, only has the best planned out for me.
"God is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or ever dream of- infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes." - Ephesians 3:20
So then why, when hard things happen, when I am faced with difficult decisions and times, when my heart aches for something I cannot have or cannot do, why do I doubt God's motives. No- that's not the right wording. I am not "doubting" God, my faith is not lacking in Him and I do not love him any less. It's just hard sometimes to have no idea why things happen the way they do. One moment, something seems so part of God's plan for you, and the next, the plan got turned upside down and you're right back to where you were. Or are you. I guess what I'm getting at and what I am figuring out is that God really does do everything for a reason and we aren't always going to know what the reason is right away, or for a really long time. And we have to accept that and trust that what God gives us we can handle and that it really is in our best interest.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28












Saturday, February 20

Hope

Where is hope in the darkest of days,
when your body has lost all strength and the sky has become hazy and gray,
and you think you're alone in this cold and twisted world
because you cry out for help,
no one can hear,
the only thing that escapes from your throat is a scratchy little yelp.
It's like you're standing naked on row boat
in the middle of the sea,
it's night and it's dark and the storm is your enemy.
All you want is a jacket,
something to keep you warm, something to keep you dry,
someone to help you pull that plank from your eye
so you can finally see
where you're standing.
That you're not alone.
That you're closer to shore than you think.
And a light appears on the horizon after you blink
the stinging salt water from your bloodshot eyes,
you thought you were strong, you thought you were wise,
but the only thing keeping you alive was hope.
Hidden at first,
but at that moment when all seems to be lost,
when life appears to bear such little cost,
your lighthouse, your beacon of hope, appears
and beckons you near.

Friday, February 19

Gonna try to make this update brief...

The past two days have been a complete whirlwind.

Ok, so yesterday. It started out like any other, maybe a bit more sleepy than others, and I skipped statistics, but I have a feeling both of those are going to become a regular thing. But I had the afternoon free, to spend to myself, which was wonderful. I rarely enjoy my freetime, but I did. During that free time I did something important, I made a list. It's posted below and its purpose is to help myself become a better person, to assist me in reaching my full potential because I beleive I can be a strong, beautiful, loving woman one day if I just reach inside of myself to find what it is that truly makes me, ME. So here's my list (which is printed and hangs infront of me on my desk for inspiration):

Ambitions:

-choose reading over tv

-eat healthy & drink lots of water

-smile more & remember to appreciate the little things

-love: everyone & at all times

-write daily

Weekly goals:

-run at least twice a week

-keep up with the news

-read a new poem & memorize one of its lines

-call nana

Monthly goals:

-do something to make someone else happy

-try something new

-go on an adventure

-make a new friend

additions: .......

So there's that. And I've already made some additions/contributions to my list thus far:

(it's turned out to be just a random bit of thoughts concerning my list....)

-I've realized that smiling more just makes you happy. Even if your not particularly happy. Just smile, and soon that feeling will spread to the rest of your body and warm your heart even on the coldest of windy, winter days.
-When you take notice of the little things, like the setting sun and the purple painted clouds in late afternoon dusk, no only do you become content, you feel loved and you experience God.
-It's not going to be easy to love at all times. And I will often fail, but i need to acknowledge those failure in order to improve and to reasses and to try again, and this time love harder.
-I love writing and I'm SO excited to do it more often- though I realize with everything going on it's going to get hard when I'm crunched on time and stressed with studying.
-I'm not excited to read the news, but I feel as a college student I should be obligated to know what's going on in the world.
-I finally decided what to give up for Lent: TV/movies (ie- choose reading/praying instead of mindless reality shows) and buying things I don't need (ie- clothes, shoes, accessories, etc... because I tend to me a shopaholic.....)
-Praying daily (comes naturally, but...) will help me grow closer to God, which I am so excited to do!
-An addition to my list is to do something spontaneous once a month, which I did today, but striking up a conversation with a stranger on the Metro- something I would never normally do, but I've realized I really LOVE talking to strangers- and which I actually also did last night in the diner during late night when I invented the "Flannel High-Five", which obviously entails high-fiving anyone you see in flannel, and then I demonstrated my shouting flannel high-five and high-fiving some random kid in flannel walking past my chair (awkward!). :)
-Making one new friend a month will not be easy either (good thing February's friend has already been made!). Actually, maybe it won't be that hard after all.

So that's that for rambling. Back to yesterday. At Friend time before The Gathering I had a great time- I just love how God always reminds me how blessed I am, and I am so thankful to have such amazing friends - not to mention funny ones. You know you've got it good when the friends you're with can make you laugh. And I'm talking about them not trying and you laughing naturally. That's what real friends are.

And then The Gathering itself was great last night. I don't want to go into too much detail (yet) about everything that happened, but here's to things that went down:
1) God presented me with an opportunity to follow his calling and to serve him. (That's all I can say about this right now, but more to come for sure soon!!!) Oh- and it's completely crazy when you actually the Holy Spirit in you urging you to do something!
2) John's message last night was about allowing and relying on the holy spirit inside of you to fight the war for you, to give you the strength to stand and not give in to temptation. And it was just an amazing message that hit home for me in some ways and it just reminded me that I am not alone- that I've got GOD on my side. Like the lyrics to a worship song: And if my God is for me, than what could stand against?....

OK so that was just part of yesterday. No for today. To make it short. Really short. I had an interview, or so I thought, this morning, but I get there and it's basically just an orientation- SO I GOT THE JOB!!!!! And I am just beside myself with excitment because for the first time I feel like this field of work could actually be something I could make a career out of. The whole time I was there i couldn't wipe this stupid smile off my face cause I was so happy and excited to be there! More on that later as well.

Quote of the day:
"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don't wand to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you're doing here. Believe in kissing." -Eve Ensler, author and playwriter

Thursday, February 18

Rap it up:

You think there's no hope
cause you've let go of your hold
no longing clinging on to the rope
You're being dragged behind
the back of the boat
and you're scared cause you can't swim
but thank God you can float

It's daylight out
finally
after spending another sleepless night
as soon as you fall into bed
night after night
you never can sleep
staring wide-eyed and scared
can't shake the feelin' of restlessness from your souless feet
gotta get out
gotta do somethin with your heart
don't need a whole new fresh start
but need some motivation
to get ya outta this starvation
God, i hope you can find some salvation

Now you're on the road alone
running on pavement hard and fast and away from your home
Now you're free
you can finally roam
but where are you headed
where can you go
when your own fears are holdin you back
but if you turn around now it's over
you'll never go back
so just keep on running
lace up your shoes
you got nothin to loose
but remember you can only run so fast for so long
liftin weights can only make you so strong

Eventually the road will get tough
hills turn into mountains and the peaks pille up
and as you get older your strengh begins to fade
your muscles will fail as you grow frail and old
and you've spent all your time worrying
running and falling
you never stopped to slow down
never paused to watch the sun fall down
below the horizon
you laid every night
stuck still in your fright and you
didn't
even
know

Friday, February 5

I really don't like to hide things. I try to pride myself on being a very open and honest person. That said, I'll be the first to admit that lately God and I haven't been that close. Not that I've been hiding things from Him - since he IS the God of the universe and has put the Holy Spirit actually inside of me, I'm sure that he already knows all that I do and think and all that I'm going to do and think- but I've just been leaving Him out and trying to live life on my own, without relying on Him and putting my faith in its entirety in Him everyday.

But something changed in me yesterday. I woke up with the urge to pray, to read the Bible, to draw closer to God. And I know that that desire in my heart was nothing that I conceived, but it was truly the Holy Spirit inside of me creating a yearning for my God. And it was a beautiful yearning indeed.

So after my classes ...err- my one class, since I already am skipping statisitics..... I came back to my apartment and opened up my Bible to 1 John because those of us on the leadership team are beginning to delve into that chapter together this semester. I had read it before, but probably not all in one sitting, and possibly just to read it, not really to READ it. But as I was going through 1 John yesterday, the words and phrases that I was reading just kept hitting me and striking me as life-changing verses. That's a big way to say it- I know- but if you go and read 1 John, which I REALLY hope you will, I pray that you will get the same experience out of reading it that I did.


After reading it once, and not looking back at it yet, to describe to someone briefly what the book is about, I would say it's about the importance of loving others, the need to stay out of sin, and how the combination of those to actions/lifestyles results in pure and complete joy, given to us from God.

1 John is located in the back of your Bible, after the Gospels and just a few short books before the last book of the Bible, Revelations. 1 John is pretty short, just 5 chapters- and would only take you 15 minutes to read. For some of the background knowledge of 1 John (thanks to Mike Juday): the book was written most likely by the same author (John the disciple) of the gospel of John and the two other epistles of John (2 John and 3 John) and we know this because of the comparative writing styles of the books. John is often referred to as "the one Jesus loved" and is known for fiercely and intensely loving others. It was written in the city of Ephesus, the big mecca or capital city (now where Turkey is), around 90 AD, which was about 5 yeras after the gospel of John was written. In Ephesus at this time, Christianity was still very small and had not widely spread because it was a very dark time as the religion gnoticism was prevalent. Those who practiced gnoticicsm beleived everything spiritual was good and everything of matter, like the body, was evil. Thus, they pushed aside the law, since it was matter, and thought it was no good, and said that Jesus was never really a human (which we know is a blatant falsehood). To compare the religion of gnosticism to todays times, you could argue it is similar to those who don't beleive strongly and follow one religion, but are pursuers of "relative truths," so they acknowledge and don't disagree with Chrisitianity, but also acknowledge all other religions. So to wrap this up, John wrote this kind of as a circulation letter to those who were Christians in Ephesus during this time when they needed words of encouragment in their faith.

More on 1 John later- time to get ready to play in the snow! :)

Saturday, January 16

Saturday

Another lazy Saturday afternoon
spent separated from the cold winter day
under the warm covers I lay
on this Saturday afternoon.
With a cup of hot mango tea
I peer out the glass window at the naked tree
see the invisible wind blow the American flag
and cast shadows diagonally across my bed.
The sun streams in so blindingly bright
after passing yet another lonely, quiet night.
Freedom calls my name from the street below
echoing with impatience against all that I know.
Shall I sit, careless, and wath the ruby red cardinals flutter away
Or shall I join in their beckoning song and dance on this lazy Saturday.

Tuesday, January 12

Here's something I started a while ago and have kept coming back to over the past several months. Not sure what it all means, still struggling with that and trying to figure it all out.


Untitled

Honor rides on his shoulders like a cowboy rides his prized stallion.
Although he has a tight grip on the reins,
beneath his chaps and boots
lies his shame.

Grace rains down from the heavens but doesn't touch his heart
because he wears a rain jacket of selfishness and pride.

He's breaking fast; his bones will soon be ground into powder.

It's raining harder and the skies are crashing and thundering louder.
Where will he turn? What will he do?

Mistakes, like death, cannot be undone
and lies, like natural disasters, cannot be reversed or taken back.
Hurricanes will always result in muddy floods
and earthquakes in broken, disheveled ground.

Similarly, once a man has made up his mind
and acted upon his thoughts,
his actions and the resulting reactions
are set in stone like a civil war memorial statue of a general in all his sinful glory.

Saturday, January 9

The Desires of My Heart


(Taken a few years back at Huntington Beach, CA right at dusk)


The Desires of My Heart:

To love from the deepest cavern of my being,
To love the souls of others and not myself,
To appreciate in nature what I presently am seeing,
To care for my youth and amplify my health.

Spending time with friends, family, lovers,
Finding new knowledge to read, digest, and discover,
Happiness and joy to fill each and every day I exist,
My dreams and ambitions shall forever persist.

But that which my heart desires most
Is to seek His strength in every action and deed,
Drawing near to the Kingdom and bringing glory to my heavenly Host:
This is what will cause my heart to succeed.

Thursday, January 7

Grace

The index of my Bible defines grace as "the undeserved love and salvation God gives."

I had always thought that I understood the meaning of grace: that my faith was partly based on the grace given to me through Christ's crucifixion, but it wasn't until just the past few days that I have discovered the depth and beauty and power of this thing we call grace.

The past few days I spent at a conference called Passion 2010 that was held in Atlanta, GA. There were over 21,000 students and 18 to 25 year olds at this 4 day event. The days consisted of large group sessions with speakers and bands leading worship songs to praise the Lord, smaller sessions called community groups where we got to talk about the struggles of our faith and the inspiration God gives us with family groups of 8 people, and a social justice component. Actually, that was amazing- the students donated over $660,000 to the 10 or 12 social justice causes they had at the conferene- AND THEN a couple in the audience was so inspired and moved by the conference that they wanted to write a check to MATCH that amount. AMAZING! God is SO great!

But going back to the concept of grace, let me begin by sharing Romans 5:1-2 with you:
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God."
I have recently learned and been awakened to the true meaning of the grace that God gives us, through his son Jesus Christ. And it wasn't until I had fallen to the bottom of the pit, until I had given way to sin and been overcome by the sinful desires of my flesh, that I was able to truly grasp and hold on grace and allow God to free me and truly wake me up.

Psalm 119:32 says:
"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."
One of the speakers at Passion explained grace in the following way: The cross is where our sinful nature intersects with God's glory and power, thus resulting in the magnificent love and grace that is given to us when we are so completely undeserving and unworthy.

Now that I can feel myself wrapped up in grace, I am completely happy and my heart has never experienced so much joy.

And when it boils down to it, it all goes back to faith. I don't deserve grace, or blessings, or joy from God. But because of my faith, because I truly believe in God and the good news of the gospel, I get all of this and more! Paul explains this in his letter to the saints in Ephesus in Ephesians 2:8-10:
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus..."
To close, the following are lyrics from a song we sung in praise at Passion:

"Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty.
Living in Your freedom we see Your glory.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty
We are Yours and Yours is the Kingdom!"