Sunflowers and Rainshowers

this is great!

2010-12-17T01:02:00.002-05:00

this year's top underrate blogs. check it

FASHION!

2010-12-16T22:10:00.001-05:00

So there's this REAAALLLYYY cool site: polyvore.com

and not only is it a fun procrastination tool from studying for finals, but it lets you pair clothing and accessories together to create outfits. love it!

classic winter party outfit by micheekay featuring a bohemian blouse

Silk chiffon blouse Ivory
70 GBP - houseoffraser.co.uk
Bohemian blouse »

Sasha Band Coat
$70 - delias.com
Coats »

Joy :: Women's :: - Skirts :: Louche Torvil Velvet Skirt
29 GBP - joythestore.com
Velvet skirts »

APC Madras Jacquard Tights - Grey
42 GBP - goodhoodstore.com
Leggings tights »

Kenneth Jay Lane Swarovski crystal-embellished leaf brooch
$170 - net-a-porter.com
Leaf brooches »

Nordstrom Embroidered Cuff Short Leather Gloves
$68 - nordstrom.com
Leather gloves »

Womens's NEW ARRIVALS - accessories - Wool and the Gang™ Zion Lion Hat...
$115 - madewell.com
Madewell hats »

vintage garden racerback tank
$30 - shopruche.com

bass NIKKI suede/leather in cocoa/burgundy NIKKI-C/B
170 CAD - gravitypope.com

winter walk by micheekay featuring straight leg blue jeans

Sparkle Pullover - Madewell
$68 - madewell.com
Sparkle tops »

Women's - rail straight - Rail Straight Jeans in Coyote Wash -...
$95 - madewell.com
Straight leg blue jeans »

New Arrivals - Women's Clothes, Jeans & Denim, Skirts, Jackets & More...
$33 - madewell.com
Madewell »

New Arrivals - Women's Clothes, Jeans & Denim, Skirts, Jackets & More...
$22 - madewell.com
Madewell »

Erdem Ottakar Butterflies Scarf
$375 - barneys.com
Butterfly scarves »

Winter Snow Scene Landscape Photography 11x14 Black and White Print :...
$40 - artfire.com

bass NIKKI suede/leather in cocoa/burgundy NIKKI-C/B
170 CAD - gravitypope.com

I'M BACK!!

2010-12-16T22:07:00.001-05:00

soo it's winter break... well, almost. at 6pm tommorrow after i'm done with work and two exams it will be. and thats why im restarting this blog- as a bit of a journal of my winter break experiences.

GOAL: have the most epic winter break EVER!! :)

So far, my epic plans entail: Christmas at the Coleys, hanging out with old friends, playing scrabble with my Grandma--and beating her--, Christmas itself, roadtripping to Montreal for New Years, roadtripping to Colombus Ohio, camping in the snow, and the Polar Bear Plunge.

And yes- scrabble is epic. don't judge.

2010-09-02T00:54:00.002-04:00

The blood in my veins is beginning to sneak
and seep away from my body.
It wants to slip through the day
and walk away from my mistakes and folly’s.
My blood, in black and blue and purple and red
drips onto a crinkled and torn, faded and forlorn
map of the world.
It follows roads to the gravestones of the living and beds of the dead.
It trickles into rivers,
into cracks in the earth’s crust.
It follows my footsteps back home.
It turns my past into dust.
I’ve tattooed my back with an American flag,
the colors running together in a black hole of pride.
I’ve tattooed my mind with dreams this nation:
the coastlines, the cities, the mountains, the countryside.

Tumble in

2010-08-30T21:52:00.000-04:00

Tumble into this new fragment of life with your arms flailing wildly and your feet moving faster than you can run. Sprint, but not so fast that you will trip and fall and stumble on absurdities and obstructions that try to fog up your day. Focus on the sunshine, letting it stream through the curtains to awaken you early ever morning, letting it dress you with clothes of light so throughout the day you can shine...

August 9th poem:

2010-08-10T00:09:00.002-04:00

In silence we patiently wait,
for the snow to sprinkle coldness down upon the last brisk days of fall,
for the newborn flower to spread open its fragile petals to let the moon shine in,
for life to turn to darkness as the last sweet breathe shuts the final door of our days.
In stillness we patiently wait,
as the fire crackles more softly while flames fade from white to blue and dimmer still,
as the luminescent street lights shine and bounce off beautifully engineered machines,
as legs and shoes, when movement they choose, flash briskly by the windows of our eyes.
In solitude we patiently wait,
with the silent wind moving unseen as it dances upon the scattered population,
with the still sunshine in all its golden, burning, sustaining brilliance,
with our head bent and our hands folded, a deluge of ourselves in hope of receiving some grace.
Once the snow has fallen,
the flowers have bloomed
and the coffin has been placed in the ground,
there is nothing left to see.
After the coals have fallen cold and gray,
the colors have been turned off and blackness blankets both man and beast,
and the movement grows slower as soles are worn thin and blisters form,
there is nothing left to feel.
When the wind dies down and dust no longer gathers in storms,
the sun slips away from the day and beckons darkness upon the world,
and the floor next to the bed is indented from kneeling in desperate prayer,
there is nothing left to be
We patiently waited our years away for nothing
as the silence, stillness and solitude created a barrier between us and our lives.
A thin cobweb that was torn apart by a raging bull.
Let the silence break with claps of thunder and crashing cymbols.
Let the stillness dissolve into a frenzy of a wild metropolitan crowd.
Let the solitude vanish as the world comes together, all held in one great hand.
Let us stop waiting,
and live.

Whisper in the wind

2010-07-31T12:44:00.000-04:00

My office is the world and in it I sleep and wake, I watch and wonder. Perched on my small desk chair-- often a splintered park bench, a sagging coffee shop sofa, or a sticky metro seat-- I dream.

I dream of flying over infinitely lush meadows sprinkled with dandelions that glow light baby suns and of sailing in between gigantic clouds that tower over me like a tidal wave.

All I want in life is to be a writer, but I am so afraid, because I always feel I have noting to write. I have nothing to say. My simple words and mediocre thoughts are meaningless in the great span of things. What could I contribute to a world that exists perfectly without the neutrons and protons that huddle together to form the nucleus that makes the atom that clings to other atoms to make the beautifully tragic cells that have grown my body.

Even I do not belong to myself, but to the earth. To the systems that created where we live, that caused Pangea to evolve so that landmasses would spread to the ends of the planet, bold-bellied oceans would form, and caustic mountains would rise. I belong to some God that I have never intimately known. I am a product of nature, a child of the twilight sky and the twinkling stars and the twirling raindrops that dance across my face.

Without air I could not breathe. Without the sun I could not see. Without love I could not be.

A weathered farmer with wrinkles as deep as canyons plant corn seed expecting it to grow into a field of maze, and if it does not, he blames the earth, the natural inclination of passing space and time. He blames Nature herself.

But when I fail to produce the fruits of my labor, when I fall short and I am on my knees in front of my shadow I cannot blame the way the moon rises and drifts across the sky and falls into the horizon as dawn nears. It is my own doing. My own selfish accomplishment, or lack thereof.

Am I a writer if I have no good words. In order to write I must have something important to say. What do I have to say that has not been said before. What words can I whisper that have not already been caught up in the wind, to be scattered among the languages of the people of the earth. I cannot keep seeking and relying on others for inspiration. Fake words and incomplete actions do not produce greatness. I need natural inspiration.

Trees tall enough to reach to heaven so I can climb up and touch my maker's lips with the tips of my fingers. Oceans longer that the horizon is wide so I can feel all that the world experiences float past me with the pulling and dragging of the twice daily tide. I must leave this closet of suppression and allow myself to really lie. I must break out of the confines of my cubicle, as grand as my office may be with its clear glass walls and high lofty ceilings, the boundaries are still here. It must be just me and the world.

"I get a kick out of you"

2010-07-07T23:46:00.000-04:00

What a shame that so few in our generation still hold on to an appreciation of and a fascination with those things that our grandparents and greatgrandparents held so dear in their lives. The classic books, the great romantic films, the extremely talented singers, the flashy classic clothes: to most now-a-days it seems so ancient, but in fact these vintage ideas, talents and dreams are what shaped and created the culture that we love so much today.

I'm re-reading The Great Gatsby, one of my all-time favorites. The way F.S. Fitzgerald created a classic jazz-age world for readers is amazing. And I just love holding his words in my hands and pretending like I'm sitting there in Gatsby's glowing, heat-stricken parlor on Long Island in the middle of the summer during the Roaring Twenties, drinking with Daisy and Jordan, and just passing the summer by, until the season changes and "life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall" (ch VII).

And I've been listening to Frank Sinatra and some of his peers recently. The way Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald can make you want to get up and boogy is completely beyond me. The sound of that type of music is so rich, so bold, so CLASSIC. It almost takes me back in time. Check out this tune by Frank for a good 'ol classic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRi7gKTNpEY

So I'm raising my plastic wine glass of Merlot (one of these days I'll buy some real wine glasses...) to those of you who still do take part in the vintage, the wisened, the cultured features left for us to enjoy by past generations. Here's to Gatsby and Nick Carraway, to Sinatra and Bill Holiday, and to the old, lone souls that are still holding out today to tell their charming and classy stories of their times during the Twenties.

Untitled Poem

2010-06-29T18:35:00.000-04:00

With a few miles behind my tires
we tread on.
We’ve many more highways and bi-ways to travel.
The flashing lights signal me to slow down;
the speed limit signs entice me to go faster.
I watch the needle on the dash edge toward the red,
and I close my eyes and clasp my hands
and pray to avoid disaster.
The road signs teach me that these are the days
to make mistakes;
that these are the ways
to keep my soul awake;
that I am young and have the luxury of time.
But what is time when it’s wasted inside lonely cubicles
or with your nose hidden inside dusty books,
while your real desires gather dust in your mind’s crannies and nooks.
I drink cup after cup of coffee,
draining my veins of blood and injecting them with syringes of caffeine,
but that only works for the body,
and only until we become immune to the sleeplessness of in between.
So how do I keep my life from drifting off into a deep sleep?
We try to smile often; we rarely weep.
We figure that just one more heavy paycheck could get us through this week.
But our bodies grow restless and our minds become bleak,
windswept expanses of shadowy dreams.

In heaven

2010-06-21T17:27:00.000-04:00

I hope heaven is something like the Jersey Shore.
The Jersey Shore that’s like Long Beach Island
with the surfboards and the seagulls
and with the little curly-haired kids in their tiny swimsuits running with excited fear from the shore break;
but not the Jersey Shore that is like Seaside with the greasy fries and drunken parties.
I have nothing against Seaside though, don't think that.
Watching Ferris wheels and half naked girls and guys stroll down the boardwalk is hilarious.

I hope heaven is like a cool breeze on a hot summer’s day
that sends chills down your spine when you’ve been sweating for the past three hours.
And I hope there will be soft-serve chocolate ice cream in heaven. And I better be able to get extra chocolate sprinkles
every
single
time.

I hope Jesus likes me in heaven,
that all my selfish desires and pride can finally disappear when I am standing my his side
so close
that I can see the wrinkles in his forehead from years of worrying about me
and the crows feet at the corners of his eyes from years of laughing at all the stupid things I’ve done.
I hope that when I stand in front of Jesus I can
for the first time
be confident that he loves me
all of me.
I can see in the reflection of his wide pupils that he cares more for me than I can imagine.
And that it’s real.
That it’s always been real.
And he will just smile
and listen
when I tell him how sorry I am for having doubted so often and for so long.

I hope in heaven I get to have dance parties with Jesus.
I’ll do the Twist and he’ll do the Macarena and we’ll laugh for hours at how horribly our dance moves are.
And we’ll have tears in our eyes that glisten in the golden sun
for all eternity.

"With the wild wolves around you, in the morning I'll call you" (Bon Iver)

2010-06-16T23:08:00.001-04:00

Bon Iver's music video for The Wolves (Act I and II)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9lrVZdaluk

Definitely worth taking the few minutes to watch.

Makes me miss winter, bonfires, and the playing for hours in the woods.

A Panoramic life

2010-06-14T13:30:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the world just needs to be seen through completely open eyes. Why does society insist on its members to wink and squint, to distort and enlarge, to cover one or both eyes with a blindfold, when the world seems to have been created to be seen fully and wholly. Our eyes were created with peripheral vision, with the ability to see near and far. We can turn our necks to span from left to right and up and down, creating the widest possible panoramic view we can. And we can even twist our hips and step in circles to get a completely 360 degree view of our surroundings.

We are meant to see every detail the world and the fabric of life can offer us.

Therefore I refuse to give in to the whims of society and be restricted in my world views. I will not be wronged by pressures of my peers and tradition. The world we live in deserves to be absorbed by our minds in an all-encompassing fashion.

What I'm getting at is this: why allow myself to be consumed by society's iron cage, to say "This is what I'm going to do with my life" or "That is the job I am going to get when I graduate" when there are SO many paths that my life could take and so many directions I could turn. I don't want to live encumbered by a fixed mindset, but rather keep my options open wide to let the universe breathe into my breath and gently guide me in the direction of my fate, bobbing up and down with the rising tides of today and tomorrow.

"Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" (by Rob Pirsig)

2010-05-25T20:17:00.002-04:00

I began reading this book about a week ago, and so far so good. It's actually very ironic that I picked it up and started reading it at this time in my life, just because I lot of the broad issues it touches on, such as technology, rationality, and beauty (as in romanticism), are also issues that I have recently studied in classes, discussed with friends, or have simply come to think about a lot in the sense of how I fit in with that particular school of thought and how that thought fits in with the world.

Here's a very interesting excerpt from the book:

"When analytic thought, the knife, is applied to experience, something is always killed in the process. That is fairly well understood, at least in the arts. Mark Twain's experience comes to mind, in which after he had mastered the analytic knowledge needed to pilot the Mississippi River, he discovered the river had lost its beauty. Something IS always killed. But what is less noticed in the arts-- something is always created too. And instead of just dwelling on what is killed it's important also to see what's created and to see the process as a kind of death-birth continuity that is neither good nor bad, but just IS."

This passage may seem very random and out of place and you probably are very confused reading it since you don't know the context it came out of, but no worries. Even with the book's context applied, the passage still is out of place and makes very little sense. Whenever the author deviates from his narrative or reality and goes into tangents on rationality and ghosts and what is real and what is not, you basically have no idea what he's talking about. That's not always a bad thing, though, because sometimes you have to have no idea what someone is talking about in order to discover some new bit of knowledge.

But back to the excerpt, I agree and can relate to his first claim, then when you fully understand the analytic knowledge of something it DOES lose its beauty. I have always loved writing, so when I had to start thinking back in high school about what I wanted to be when I grew up (funny isn't it, how we're never fully "grown up", how we are always still aspiring to that thing which we want to be, "when we grow up") and I made the obvious decision to follow my passion for writing and become a journalist. But after three years of clumsily shodding my way through the school newspaper in high school and then diving into rigorous and terribly difficult journalism writing classes in college and spending months and months trying to land a position at the college newspaper, and then when I did, realizing how I am in no way cut out for the ugliness and crassness of the newsroom, I quit. I had too. Writing had become gray, black, and ugly. It was no longer a beautiful blue sky or a bright orange sun shine. Analytically understanding and dissecting writing killed the natural art of writing for me. (Although the book talks about killing something off always creates something new, well I have yet to really discover what that is, but when I do, I'll let you know).

One more thing relating to the aforementioned excerpt, I do NOT agree with the author's claim that something can be seen as "neither good nor bad, but just is." Here he is referring the a life-like cycle of death and rebirth that are the effect of analytic thought, but that is not important. What is crucial is how WRONG he is. EVERYTHING is either good or bad. Nothing is NOTHING. Similarly to how the fact of gravity existed way before the scientific discovery of gravitational force was made (got that from the book too!), nothing can exist with out being good or bad. What's in the middle? There is no middle. There is no "OK" in life. Because where does something fit into OK if it is not good or bad? OK is a socially conceptualized expression of laziness. Sunshine is good. Vampires are bad. Tofu is..... well, i say it's good, but most of society would yell at me that it is disgusting and nasty and bad. So yes, some truth are subjective, many are actually. The point is, how even though I fully believe that everything has a good or a bad truth to it, it is still SO hard to distinguish this absolute truth in my daily life. So often I cannot tell if an action or decision is good or bad, or it just never crosses my mind as to if what I do is bad then I shouldn't do it, or if what I do is good then I should do it more often.

So my challenge to you after this lengthy tirade is this: Think about what you consider to be absolute truth in your life, whether it has to deal with abortion, gay rights, family issues, broken friendships, love. Why are they absolutely Good or Bad to you, but completely opposite to someone else. What is your role in figuring out what they mean to you and backing that up with conviction? And most importantly, how do you deal with the gray areas, the things in your life that you can't figure out if they are wholly good or wholly bad?

"Details in the fabric"

2010-05-21T23:29:00.001-04:00

There are many intricate details in life that we miss. We fail to notice them because we do not think about the details in the fabric. Have you ever actually, literally stopped to smell a bush of roses? If you haven't, why not?

I feel very gracious that I am blessed with so many simple things in life to be thankful for. Sunshine. Laughter. Knowledge. Friends. The list is literally endless.

But I realized something awesome today at work. I was sorting through and processing documents from the national capitol park service from 30 or 40 some odd years ago and I came across a remarkable architectural sketch of a bridge. It was a plain overpass located somewhere in the DC metro area over an arbitrary expressway, but the drawing was simply beautiful. It hit me that so often we drive under those things, thinking in our minds how ugly and unwelcoming they are. But this drawing was magnificent.

Why can't we see an overpasses the way the architect does, as a support structure bridging two places together an and making something that was previously impossible, now possible? When looking at a city garden square downtown, why don't we see each individual tree as an oak, a maple, or a red cedar, reaching its branches towards the heavens? Or when thinking about an area of land, why don't we divide up each little land use intricacy to ponder why the land is used and how its used and for what purpose?

So instead of just looking up at the sunshine and smiling because it's sunny out, I am going to be humbled by the gift of warmth and light and think of the able ways the sun benefits us, not only for those reasons but many more, including solar power! :)

Here is a lovely Jason Mraz song called Details in the Fabric. Give it a listen!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdIw6tEjyEg

"Love the earth and sun and the animals"

2010-05-16T18:17:00.000-04:00

I'm a hypocrite. I really am. I always encourage others to follow their dreams, to do great things, to accomplish all that they can. But I don't do any of that. I am lazy and afraid and unmotivated at times. I'd rather be complacent and take the easy way out than risk failure or embarrassment.

I need to change.

I talk and think so much about what I want out of life, what I can contribute to this earth, but I don't start anything and I don't take action. I need to stop lying to myself.

I need to take action.

This isn't meant to be a completely discouraging post, but rather it is a wake up call to myself. I need to figure out a way to encourage myself and to follow through with my desires and my dreams. I need to figure out how to pick up my feet and begin moving forward. I need to stop dwelling on my shortcomings, figure out what it is I really want to do or at least figure out what it is I can work towards accomplishing, and begin. And along the way I need to cherish the journey and the moments, to appreciate the little things, and to remember the good and grow from the bad.

Here's an awesome Walt Whitman qoute:
"This is what you shall do: love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning god, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body..."

So how do you need to change? How should you take action? How do you want to live your life to the fullest?

Begin it.

2010-05-15T11:17:00.004-04:00

Original photo: by Susannah Tucker (http://www.etsy.com/shop/susannahtucker)

And check out the song Mango Tree by Angus and Julia Stone.

Actually, just check out Angus and Julia Stone. They rock. In a folksy, mellow, beautiful way, but still, they rock none the less. :) I think I may have stumbled upon my new favorite band!

"Mindful of you the sodden earth in spring"

2010-05-14T13:09:00.005-04:00

"Mindful of you the sodden earth in spring"
by Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

Mindful of you the sodden earth in spring,
And all the flowers that in the springtime grow,
And dusty roads, and thistles, and the slow
Rising of the round moon, all throats that sing
The summer through, and each departing wing,
And all the nests that the bared branches show,
And all winds that in any weather blow,
And all the storms that the four seasons bring.
You go no more on your exultant feet
Up paths that only mist and morning knew,
Or watch the wind, or listen to the beat
Of a bird's wings too high in air to view,--
But you were something more than young and sweet
And fair,--and the long year remembers you.

It's days like today, a warm sunshine laden earth after too much rain and cold and clouds, that reminds me of how grateful I am just to be alive. Though I'm exhausted and worn out from school and everything, I so much appreciate the wonderful gift that nature is. I hope to always remember how it feels to sit outside in the springtime and in the sunshine and just be. Not do anything but apprecaite the warmth of the sun on my skin and the birds singing in the trees and the happy bugs flying about.

This poem is about just that too. It's about being grateful for the little things in life, not even things that we have been outright given by others nor the things we have acquired for ourselves, but the simplicities of each day, storms, and seasons, and nature, and dust. It all combines and works together in an intricate, delicate way to form the lives that we live, the beautiful lives that we live, so we ought to be appreciative and praiseful. We have no reason not to be. The earth IS "young and sweet and fair" and we can get great joy from celebrating that.

This morning on my way walking from the parking lot to the gym, I happened to see on my right side a tiny little dandelion, smaller than any I had ever seen before in my life. It was only maybe an eigth of the size of a normal dandelion, but still was fully grown, with all those littly wispy white things placed perfectly in a circle. I picked it and took a breath and exhaled and set those petals free, whirling like in a tornado around me. It was incredibly beautiful and one of those things that just can't be described in words. But it did put a wide smile on my face out of sheer delight for nature's pleasures.

Photo: "Under a country sky we grow" by Susannah Tucker

(for more of her work check out: http://www.etsy.com/shop/susannahtucker)

Nothing left to hide.

2010-05-10T22:40:00.003-04:00

"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

When it comes down to it, I hope and pray that I can be a light to the world. That through my actions, my words, my demeanor, my smile, my ideals, I can leave the world a bit brighter than it would have been without me. Isn't that what we all want? If so, that why don't we act like it? I know I sure don't always smile, say kind words, give hugs when I should. But why not? What's stopping us? Fear? Denial? Judgement? But what's more powerful than all of those? Harmony. Peace. Kindness. Understanding. LOVE.

Here's a link for a beautiful song. A bit depressing and somber, but this is true feelings. It hits your heart for sure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUzDMDmHOoQ

Hope you have a happy, blessed evening. :)

We can

2010-05-10T02:12:00.003-04:00

My words themselves have no power, but through my actions I believe the ideals that they stand for can change the world. I hope that the people I meet throughout my life will be touched by something in me, whether it's warmth and kindness, love, gratitude, peace, or grace, I want to stand for what I beleive in: that the world is made up of currents of goodness and righteousness, breaths of God himself, and that our actions naturally are swayed by these winds, these motions of harmony.

We cannot do it alone,
but together,
brothers,
sisters,
friends,
we CAN affect positive social change.
We CAN remind the world of gratitude and compassion.
We CAN, through our actions,
every
single
day,
change this cold, dormant planet
into a lush and beautiful
heaven of joy.

Freedom

2010-05-04T08:02:00.003-04:00

Life seems bound
by regulations, judgements and expectations,
shackled by interpretations
so that when dusk falls like a rock
it shatters each day into a million fragmentations.
The only color an artist would use when painting
a still life of my present
is gray.
But I please and I curse,
I beg and I bleed;
I try to argue
time is more interesting spent living at the fray.
Need to add a palate of color to my day:
a splash of orange,
a touch of a brighter shade.
Beautifully misplaced
are the weeds,
serving no purpose, filling no needs.
Dandelions
a yellow spot lost in a green sea
have no hesitations,
they just grow free.
My life seems bound,
by the clouds,
by the bricks,
by your stones and your sticks.
Beautifully misplaced,
like a cold glass of sweet tea
in the middle of December,
like dreams shot by a rocket away into space,
searching for understanding,
in need of heavenly grace.

Something greater

2010-04-27T22:57:00.004-04:00

When our days are cloudy and our nights are gray
when we search and stumble for a place to stay
a place to rest our weary heads
when we have no sheets on our dusty beds

When the nights drag on
and the days never end
when you feel like you can never see
the finish line around the bend
when the wind is cold
and the rain is hard
and the grass looks greener in your neighbor's yard

Remind yourself that YOU were made for so much more
for something greater
for a path much straighter
than the crooked lives we seem to lead.
Next time you find yourself on your knees beginning to plead
for help
just turn your face
look toward grace
and God will meet you there.

You won't relent

2010-04-27T08:19:00.002-04:00

There's this beautiful song called "You won't relent" that I wanted to share with ya'll. Here are some lyrics from the song:

You won't relent untill you have it all
My heart is yours

I set you as a seal upon my heart
as a seal upon my arm
for there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy as demanding as the grave
and many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

I just love how this song so delicately and truthfully displays the all-consuming love that we can have for Christ and how God feels so passionate about us. He will not relent. He won't ever give up on us. And he wants to be that powerful fire in our hearts, a power that fueled by love that is stronger than death, because Christ did overcome the grave.

And that same love that God has for us, for our hearts, is what can shape and mend and move our lives.

2 Corinthians 5: 14 says: For Christ's love compel's us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died.

Here's a link to the song on Youtube. You should definitely check it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UQxp0YhRuM

Sit

2010-04-25T21:29:00.006-04:00

By the fire
we will sit.
Perched by the hearth
with love in our hearts.
We will sit through storms of snow
and rains and sleet,
through spring and fall,
hardwood floors,
bare feet.
We will sit with our children
their curly locks shining in the sunlight.
We will sit with our mothers,
refusing to fight,
and with our fathers,
smiling tight.
We will sit and sit
and sit some more,
all the while wondering

what everyone else is running so fast for.

Tightrope walkers

2010-04-21T00:16:00.003-04:00

(images of Phillippe Petit printed in 1974, google images)

My immediate happiness hinges on your potential to smile
and boy, do you grin.
Ear to ear.
I'm ecstatic.
Praying that the silent static between the lines
connecting our lives
is a hopeful
solid
beginning.
A beautiful foundation.
Shining glory gives us blessing
and in our hearts love begins her nesting.
Don't let me down this time,
I pray as I'm walking on the line,
the tightrope that streches in between
today and 1974
and ties me to the balancing pole above Manhattan.
But I take on the feat
and do so with courage
and trusting that even if I fall
you will be waiting to pull me to my feet.

The Heart of Life

2010-04-20T08:30:00.004-04:00

There is literally almost nothing better than waking up with a slight smile on your face and when you stumble into the bathroom instead of that sleep-eyed barely awake figure you see yourself- smile and all- staring back with a twinkle in your eyes. No matter where your day turns after that, you can be reminded by how simply happy you felt earlier that morning, and then all will be ok.

I also awoke with John Mayer in my head singing "I know the heart of life is good, I know it's good!". Such a great song!

And if you think about it, what is at the center of the heart of life? Our creator, the God of the universe, and all the goodness that he has created.

When we place our faith in Christ, God gives us the Holy Spirit, a beautiful, wonderful and powerful gift that rests in our hearts.

And the "fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22,23). And who doesn't want love and joy and peace and goodness?

For humanity

2010-04-14T07:39:00.004-04:00

In his essay Self Reliance, Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote:

"I will stand here for humanity,
and though I would make it kind,
I would make it true.

Let us affront and reprimand the smooth mediocrity
an squalid contentment of the times,
and hurl in the face of custom,
and trade, and office,
the fact which is the upshot of all history,

that there is a great responsible Thinker and Actor moving
wherever moves a man;
that a true man belongs to no other time or place,
but is the center of things."

What an encouraging profession of who we are and what we can be! Will you just take this as words, or take it to hear and soul an stand for humanity in truth ? Will you avoid mediocrity and realize your potential as a Thinker and Actor ? It is a great calling, but yet for a greater cause.

Golden flowers

2010-04-12T20:33:00.004-04:00

Distance is the enemy, but time is on our side.
Let respect be the groom, wed to truth the bride.
Unknown is the future; forgotten is the past,
and old memories are covered with sticky selectivity.
I grow doubtful of rationality and proceed with timidity.
Fast, grace flies by; forgiveness thrown to the wind.
Hope resides in silver clouds above and love remains the final dividend.
Reflected in my thoughts are images of yours,
but still they vary,
flee or tarry,
serenity or war?
Sensibility screams loud, but my heart beats faster.
Although I fear earthquakes and disaster,
trust will slowly come to pass and lie to rest
among golden flowers.

Be free

2010-04-07T21:25:00.003-04:00

If you could be anywhere else doing anything else right now, where and what would it be?

Not that I am not perfectly content now, rather I am. Sitting at my desk bending and forming my brain for tomorrow's exam, I am content. And happy. Today was an excellent day. And though the sun has set hours ago, I still feel its light in my body, its warmth in my heart.

But, though I try to concentrate on my studies, on what is social stratification and inequality and all the facets that explain why these injustices exist, my mind is elsewhere. My mind is restless.

Right now I wish so badly to be curled up in a hammock with a warm, somewhat scartchy blanket around my shoulders and watching the sun set over a purple horizon as the waves lap on the shore and seagulls float over head. I yearn for the shore, for the freedom that exists within your soul as you stand at the edge of the water and peer with gently eyes toward the never ending horizon.

Gosh, these thoughts make me miss Long Beach Island so bad. And freedom.... but I am free. So why don't I feel so? Why do books and timelines and work and relationships hold me captive? Why do I let them?

The good news, I don't have to.
And neither do you.

Allow yourself to be free.
Allow yourself to fly.

There's nothing holding us back but our own two feet. :)

Live with no regrets

2010-03-27T11:22:00.005-04:00

This past week I stumbled across the following qoute by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some
blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it serenely and with too high a
spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

I feel like this qoute relates very closely to how I feel about being a
Christian. I've never considered if it is neccessarily biblical to "live with no
regrets," as is the common phrase, but I've done a bit of looking up and I have
a hunch that this mentality does merge somewhere along the line with Christian
beliefs and convictions.

First, I think it is important to look at what the word regret means and actually refers too. The dictionary gives the following synonyms for regret: affliction, bitterness, concern, disappointment, grief, sorrow.

Now, how does this concept apply to our lives? Well, we are to have concern, ie, "regret" for our sins. Of course we are! When we sin, which we all surely will no matter how hard we try not to because we are far from perfect (read 1 John if your interested in hearing more about how sin plays into our lives), we should hope for what is called "Godly sorrow" which can help us to rightly feel bad for our sins and seek God's grace for forgiveness. Now this "Godly sorrow" term I heard for the first time in January when I was the Passion Conference. Beth Moore was explaining how when we sin, we should feel guilty about it in order to truly feel sorrow and genuinely want to seek forgiveness. She explained how sometimes we don't feel bad about or regret our sins, and in this cases we should continually seek and ask the Lord to give us Godly sorrow.

In 2 Corinthians chapter 7 it says:

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret,
but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you:
what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what
alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every
point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter."

I think this is a beautiful passion, that gives us so much hope as believers and as people who walk by faith and try our hardest to live like Christ.

I searched Blue Letter Bible (an awesome reference tool for diving deeper into the word) for the word "forgive" and it was completely humbling and just truly amazing how many search results came back and how many times it comes up in the bible, literally HUNDREDS of times!! Here are just a few example of the greatness and power of God's forgiveness:

"Then hear from heaven, your dwelling place. Forgive, and deal with each man
according to all he does, since you know his heart, for you alone know the
hearts of men." - 2 Chronicles 6:30
The Lord declares, "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." -Jeremiah 31:34

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins
and purify us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9

To wrap it up, in Isaih 43 it says:

"Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past."

The entire chapter (it's not long, so I highly suggest you go find your Bible and read it or just google Isaiah 43 online and read it, you won't regret it!) is truly amazing. It talks about how God, the God of the universe who also created us, is always with us through no matter what we experience. It beautifully describes God's mercy and how great it is. My final thought is this: the reason God wants us to "forget the past", so to say, is because once we recognize our sins, repent and sincerely desire forgiveness for our sins after experiencing Godly sorrow for what we did, then it dosn't matter anymore, becuase that sin was forgiven when Christ hung on the cross 2,000 years ago. We have been forgiven and redeemed, thus we should go live and be joyful.

Body

2010-03-22T23:26:00.000-04:00

In the shady alleyway
the figures bend
and end their days
hugging those they love
and shrugging those they loathe.
In these gray moments
you can only see
only feel
silhouettes
black
against the zest of life and light
that burns behind their figures.
Some figures lean against the cool brick wall
scratching their bodies and their clothes
but keeping their inner skin from being touched.
Other bodies lean against each other
lightly
slightly
making contact with each other’s hearts
each other’s souls.
Still others
stand with space the size of Antarctica between them
so far away
each other’s facial intricacies
smiles
eyes
freckles
become invisible.
Twinkling lights flash between bodies
regardless.
In these dark alleys
between mountains of buildings and rivers of sidewalks
among putrid dumpsters
rats
and cats
amid shops and homes and dreams and things
feelings and wishes and words and desires and fears
also float through the air
and drift between bodies.
And out of the darkness comes mystery
comes new days
emerges enemies
friendships
lovers.
The figures bend around the darkness to find the light
their light
the light each shares with the other body.

2010-03-20T23:26:00.002-04:00

In Bali, a tiny Hindu Indonesian island, the people live with achieving what we would call "balance" as their utmost goal in life. This sense of balance is found not only by organizing and celebrating and ceremonially arranging their outward experiences, but by remaining in sync with the divinity they seek inward with their God. Their balance is found by finding the center of north, south, east, and west in all that they do and their culture is heavily and beautifully influenced by rich customs, such as the creative Balinese dancing (it reminds me a bit of a mix of the Macarenna, the Twist, and Yoga) and rituals of prayer and meditation.

I tell you all of this background information to prelude the observation that the two most important questions in Balinese culture when interacting with someone you don't know are "Where are you going?" and "Where are you coming from?".

When I read this, I was surprised at my own answers to these simply worded questions:

"Where are you going?"

The future.

"Where are you coming from?"

The past.

...... well duh. So is everyone else.

Really, Michelle, where ARE you going? Although it is frighteningly unknown, I am trying my hardest to go toward my hopes and my dreams, toward happiness and fulfillment and joy, to many days of good health and smiles and laughs shared with people whom I love. I am going toward knowledge, to places and peoples unknown to me thus far, to new experiences, to love, to discovery.

And where AM I coming from? I am sure of this. I am coming from a family that loves me beyond what I can comprehend until I have my own and a southern town that will always welcome me home no matter how far away I stray. I come from groups of friendly memories with both old and new, lost and found and re-found acquaintances. I come from years of growing pains, terrible mistakes, nights of tears and mornings of prayers, and many many lessons learned.

But I must add one more question that I deem crucial to finding this balance we all so desperately seek. Where am I NOW?

Now. I am seeking, learning, recovering, growing, hurting, loving, trying, believing. Right now I am in entangled in so many webs, it all seems to far from balance. But I know I have many people to help me untangle these threads that hold me back and many more helpful ways to further weave my world so that it connects the mysteriously serene present to the thoughtful past with the hopeful future.

2010-03-10T13:08:00.002-05:00

In all my tired ways
I continually exhaust these tired days.
By breath, my thoughts, my heartbeat,
it all remains the same.
The same stagnant boredom of tomorrow and yesterday
tied together in the meaningless function of today.
What is a day?
What is a day but just one empty and slow space of simple time
in relation to the imensity of the complexity of life itself.
What is life?
What it life but a shallow crack in the fortified wall of all eternity.
A radiant heaven hovers above and a burning he'll rests below.
The green and blue spaces here, though beautiful in thier humanly colors,
lack the luster of an alternate reality.
So, to resolve in order to fall into a deep restless sleep, where one can hide from all realities known and unkown to man,
this hazy inbetween, where there is no black or white,
no gold or crimson,
where there is only a grayness brought on by the bleeding greens and blues,
this crying space is where our yearning lives seek ingenuity.

2010-03-07T02:20:00.003-05:00

work in progress:

In the beginning
God created the heavens and the earth.
But when did this beginning begin?
When did the Maker step down from his perch
to make stars bigger than we could ever comprehend,
seemingly bigger than any possible sin.

If we begin to sway

2010-03-03T22:25:00.004-05:00

For man, unlike any other thing organic or inorganic in the universe, grows beyond his work, walks up the stairs of his concepts, emerges ahead of his accomplishments. This you may say of man—when theories changes and crash, when schools philosophies, when narrow dark alleys of thought, national, religious, economic, grow and disintegrate, man reaches, stumbles forward, painfully, mistakenly sometimes. Having stepped forward, he may slip back, but only half a step, never the full step back.
--Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath

photo: couresty of Life; photographer: Alfred Eisenstaedt

It baffles my mind everytime I think about how small and insignificant my life is in the great span of things. Yet still, in my lifetime, so much is going to happen. I also am always fascinated by what Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Life is what you make it. Always has been, always will be." This is so true, and although I enjoy those days where I sit around the living room reading and sipping tea and occaisonaly staring out the window to remind me that the world still goes on, quickly, as I sit there doing nothing, I have come to realize that my best days, when I feel most productive at the end of the day, are the days that I interact, communicate, and conversate with the most people.

At the end of my schooling, I gurantee you that it will not by the grade on my first statistics test of the semester or the week or so of very little sleep I got that I will remember. It is going to be the people I meet, the laughs I share, the hugs (and maybe if I'm lucky, even the kisses) that I give that will remain etched and engraved in my memory for years to come.

Going back to Steinbeck's qoute above, I think that it is beautifully constructed, but I also believe that it is because of others, because of man's intimate and emotional relations with other humans, that enable man to be all he can be. Yes, at times we are all going to fall and stumble, but when we have people around us to encourage us and to pick us back up when we fall, it makes the fall much shorter and the stumbling even humurous. It is our friends and families and loved ones that cause us to only take half a step back instead of a full one, because they are there right there with us, stepping side by side, and catching us if we begin to sway.

Weekly reflection:

2010-02-28T20:21:00.002-05:00

This past week was my trial for my Ambitions & Goals lists that I made last week. Let me reflect on how I did:

I choose reading over tv in the sense that I decided to give up tv for lent, so I have successfully not watched any tv or movies, but I did somewhat cheat Friday night and watched the past two episodes of The Bachelor online. So minor fail. But it feels more freeing not sitting infront of a mindless TV show (....you know, in front of the real tv because the bachelor is totally cool....)

I definitely have not been eating more healthy or drinking lots of water, but now since there's only like two weeks till Spring Break I will definitely make sure to do so, starting right now!

I think I did smile a good bit this past week and am doing an OK job at appreciating the little things.

I have been really trying to love more, and I like doing it!

I have been writing more often for sure, which feels great, but it hasn't been daily.

I think I only ran once last week. Fail.

Definitely have no idea what is going on in the news right now, might have to scratch that one in the near future.

Have not read a new poem, hopefully I can get to that soon. Did write a poem though.

Didn't talk to my Nana :(

The whole doing something to make someone else happy is easier when you try to always love.

I tried something new with the MOSAIC diversity and leadership retreat I went on this weekend!

Can't remember any adventures... :(

Made a TON of new friends!

Added:
Tried a new recipie: chocolate biscotti, yummmm!
And do something spontaneous: hung out with friends at the diner after the Gathering and randomly high-fived a flannel wearing person I didn't know- pretty fun!

So here's to a new week: A new me, defined by more significant actions that will hopefully leave the week better for not only myself but those around me.

Inspirational qoute for the week:
"Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world." - Desmond Tutu

Wordography

2010-02-24T22:29:00.002-05:00

This is my first "wordograph". It is a collection of words, exactly one hundred, of an image and feeling that goes along with it. This is my way of making up a fun, enjoyable writing excercise to constantly think creatively and beautifully. Hope you enjoy. :)

1. A gradient of blue strewn about the expanse overhead, lighter at left and deeper on the right. Grass greener than it’s been all season, hinting toward the spring that’s creeping around the calendar corner. Birds. Everywhere: hats of trees, adornments on bushes, decorations on the sidewalk. All singing a beautiful, sunlit song. And the light. Can’t remember a glow this bright—this light is shimmering, shining, full of luster. The air is soft and flowing, blowing gently against rosy cheeks, freckled forehead, through unkempt locks. The day’s beauty makes you feel thankful, gracious, and full of exciting happiness.

Sunshine

2010-02-23T08:35:00.002-05:00

It's funny how on dark, rainy days we all become so down and depressed. All we can see and feel is the dampness and the grayness. We are stuck in our own worlds, unable to see the greater picture. We don't think about tomorrow's sunshine, only today's puddles and mud. We don't think that above the heavy rain clouds the sun still shines. But it does. The sun is always there throughout the day, no matter how dark the sky may seem, how wet the ground may be, or how long you have been using your umbrella as a shield, the sun is still there- 93 million miles away- but it is still shining across the universe, sending forth light and warmth to the earth. So I challenge you, the next day you have where you feel like the whole world is cold, dark, lonely and gray, keep your chin up my friend because there's sunlight outhere- probably closer than you think- and your gray skies will clear soon. And maybe, just maybe, if you bring your umbrella down for a second and turn your eyes towards the heavens, maybe you will see a glimpse of light between the clouds, a pocket of sunshine where the beams are trying their hardest to peak through, to light up the earth, and to put that smile back on your face.

Purpose

2010-02-21T21:32:00.003-05:00

One of the hardest things to deal with is trying to figure out why something happened the way that it did. I'm not sure I believe in "coincidences" or "fate", rather I do believe everything happens for a purpose, as part of the greater plan of the God of the universe.

The dictionary defines coincidence as:

"a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance"

and fate as:

"something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune".

I'd like to think that God makes those occurences and situations that we may view as coincidence, fate, and chance and he creates those as part of his master plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

This is all very reassuring, to know that all things that happen are for the good of myself. That God, my Father who loves me beyond anything I can imagine, only has the best planned out for me.

"God is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or ever dream of- infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes." - Ephesians 3:20

So then why, when hard things happen, when I am faced with difficult decisions and times, when my heart aches for something I cannot have or cannot do, why do I doubt God's motives. No- that's not the right wording. I am not "doubting" God, my faith is not lacking in Him and I do not love him any less. It's just hard sometimes to have no idea why things happen the way they do. One moment, something seems so part of God's plan for you, and the next, the plan got turned upside down and you're right back to where you were. Or are you. I guess what I'm getting at and what I am figuring out is that God really does do everything for a reason and we aren't always going to know what the reason is right away, or for a really long time. And we have to accept that and trust that what God gives us we can handle and that it really is in our best interest.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

Hope

2010-02-20T20:09:00.002-05:00

Where is hope in the darkest of days,
when your body has lost all strength and the sky has become hazy and gray,
and you think you're alone in this cold and twisted world
because you cry out for help,
no one can hear,
the only thing that escapes from your throat is a scratchy little yelp.
It's like you're standing naked on row boat
in the middle of the sea,
it's night and it's dark and the storm is your enemy.
All you want is a jacket,
something to keep you warm, something to keep you dry,
someone to help you pull that plank from your eye
so you can finally see
where you're standing.
That you're not alone.
That you're closer to shore than you think.
And a light appears on the horizon after you blink
the stinging salt water from your bloodshot eyes,
you thought you were strong, you thought you were wise,
but the only thing keeping you alive was hope.
Hidden at first,
but at that moment when all seems to be lost,
when life appears to bear such little cost,
your lighthouse, your beacon of hope, appears
and beckons you near.

Gonna try to make this update brief...

2010-02-19T22:35:00.003-05:00

The past two days have been a complete whirlwind.

Ok, so yesterday. It started out like any other, maybe a bit more sleepy than others, and I skipped statistics, but I have a feeling both of those are going to become a regular thing. But I had the afternoon free, to spend to myself, which was wonderful. I rarely enjoy my freetime, but I did. During that free time I did something important, I made a list. It's posted below and its purpose is to help myself become a better person, to assist me in reaching my full potential because I beleive I can be a strong, beautiful, loving woman one day if I just reach inside of myself to find what it is that truly makes me, ME. So here's my list (which is printed and hangs infront of me on my desk for inspiration):

Ambitions:
-choose reading over tv
-eat healthy & drink lots of water
-smile more & remember to appreciate the little things
-love: everyone & at all times
-write daily
Weekly goals:
-run at least twice a week
-keep up with the news
-read a new poem & memorize one of its lines
-call nana
Monthly goals:
-do something to make someone else happy
-try something new
-go on an adventure
-make a new friend
additions: .......

So there's that. And I've already made some additions/contributions to my list thus far:

(it's turned out to be just a random bit of thoughts concerning my list....)

-I've realized that smiling more just makes you happy. Even if your not particularly happy. Just smile, and soon that feeling will spread to the rest of your body and warm your heart even on the coldest of windy, winter days.
-When you take notice of the little things, like the setting sun and the purple painted clouds in late afternoon dusk, no only do you become content, you feel loved and you experience God.
-It's not going to be easy to love at all times. And I will often fail, but i need to acknowledge those failure in order to improve and to reasses and to try again, and this time love harder.
-I love writing and I'm SO excited to do it more often- though I realize with everything going on it's going to get hard when I'm crunched on time and stressed with studying.
-I'm not excited to read the news, but I feel as a college student I should be obligated to know what's going on in the world.
-I finally decided what to give up for Lent: TV/movies (ie- choose reading/praying instead of mindless reality shows) and buying things I don't need (ie- clothes, shoes, accessories, etc... because I tend to me a shopaholic.....)
-Praying daily (comes naturally, but...) will help me grow closer to God, which I am so excited to do!
-An addition to my list is to do something spontaneous once a month, which I did today, but striking up a conversation with a stranger on the Metro- something I would never normally do, but I've realized I really LOVE talking to strangers- and which I actually also did last night in the diner during late night when I invented the "Flannel High-Five", which obviously entails high-fiving anyone you see in flannel, and then I demonstrated my shouting flannel high-five and high-fiving some random kid in flannel walking past my chair (awkward!). :)
-Making one new friend a month will not be easy either (good thing February's friend has already been made!). Actually, maybe it won't be that hard after all.

So that's that for rambling. Back to yesterday. At Friend time before The Gathering I had a great time- I just love how God always reminds me how blessed I am, and I am so thankful to have such amazing friends - not to mention funny ones. You know you've got it good when the friends you're with can make you laugh. And I'm talking about them not trying and you laughing naturally. That's what real friends are.

And then The Gathering itself was great last night. I don't want to go into too much detail (yet) about everything that happened, but here's to things that went down:
1) God presented me with an opportunity to follow his calling and to serve him. (That's all I can say about this right now, but more to come for sure soon!!!) Oh- and it's completely crazy when you actually the Holy Spirit in you urging you to do something!
2) John's message last night was about allowing and relying on the holy spirit inside of you to fight the war for you, to give you the strength to stand and not give in to temptation. And it was just an amazing message that hit home for me in some ways and it just reminded me that I am not alone- that I've got GOD on my side. Like the lyrics to a worship song: And if my God is for me, than what could stand against?....

OK so that was just part of yesterday. No for today. To make it short. Really short. I had an interview, or so I thought, this morning, but I get there and it's basically just an orientation- SO I GOT THE JOB!!!!! And I am just beside myself with excitment because for the first time I feel like this field of work could actually be something I could make a career out of. The whole time I was there i couldn't wipe this stupid smile off my face cause I was so happy and excited to be there! More on that later as well.

Quote of the day:
"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don't wand to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you're doing here. Believe in kissing." -Eve Ensler, author and playwriter

Rap it up:

2010-02-18T12:07:00.003-05:00

You think there's no hope
cause you've let go of your hold
no longing clinging on to the rope
You're being dragged behind
the back of the boat
and you're scared cause you can't swim
but thank God you can float

It's daylight out
finally
after spending another sleepless night
as soon as you fall into bed
night after night
you never can sleep
staring wide-eyed and scared
can't shake the feelin' of restlessness from your souless feet
gotta get out
gotta do somethin with your heart
don't need a whole new fresh start
but need some motivation
to get ya outta this starvation
God, i hope you can find some salvation

Now you're on the road alone
running on pavement hard and fast and away from your home
Now you're free
you can finally roam
but where are you headed
where can you go
when your own fears are holdin you back
but if you turn around now it's over
you'll never go back
so just keep on running
lace up your shoes
you got nothin to loose
but remember you can only run so fast for so long
liftin weights can only make you so strong

Eventually the road will get tough
hills turn into mountains and the peaks pille up
and as you get older your strengh begins to fade
your muscles will fail as you grow frail and old
and you've spent all your time worrying
running and falling
you never stopped to slow down
never paused to watch the sun fall down
below the horizon
you laid every night
stuck still in your fright and you
didn't
even
know

2010-02-05T08:49:00.004-05:00

I really don't like to hide things. I try to pride myself on being a very open and honest person. That said, I'll be the first to admit that lately God and I haven't been that close. Not that I've been hiding things from Him - since he IS the God of the universe and has put the Holy Spirit actually inside of me, I'm sure that he already knows all that I do and think and all that I'm going to do and think- but I've just been leaving Him out and trying to live life on my own, without relying on Him and putting my faith in its entirety in Him everyday.

But something changed in me yesterday. I woke up with the urge to pray, to read the Bible, to draw closer to God. And I know that that desire in my heart was nothing that I conceived, but it was truly the Holy Spirit inside of me creating a yearning for my God. And it was a beautiful yearning indeed.

So after my classes ...err- my one class, since I already am skipping statisitics..... I came back to my apartment and opened up my Bible to 1 John because those of us on the leadership team are beginning to delve into that chapter together this semester. I had read it before, but probably not all in one sitting, and possibly just to read it, not really to READ it. But as I was going through 1 John yesterday, the words and phrases that I was reading just kept hitting me and striking me as life-changing verses. That's a big way to say it- I know- but if you go and read 1 John, which I REALLY hope you will, I pray that you will get the same experience out of reading it that I did.

After reading it once, and not looking back at it yet, to describe to someone briefly what the book is about, I would say it's about the importance of loving others, the need to stay out of sin, and how the combination of those to actions/lifestyles results in pure and complete joy, given to us from God.

1 John is located in the back of your Bible, after the Gospels and just a few short books before the last book of the Bible, Revelations. 1 John is pretty short, just 5 chapters- and would only take you 15 minutes to read. For some of the background knowledge of 1 John (thanks to Mike Juday): the book was written most likely by the same author (John the disciple) of the gospel of John and the two other epistles of John (2 John and 3 John) and we know this because of the comparative writing styles of the books. John is often referred to as "the one Jesus loved" and is known for fiercely and intensely loving others. It was written in the city of Ephesus, the big mecca or capital city (now where Turkey is), around 90 AD, which was about 5 yeras after the gospel of John was written. In Ephesus at this time, Christianity was still very small and had not widely spread because it was a very dark time as the religion gnoticism was prevalent. Those who practiced gnoticicsm beleived everything spiritual was good and everything of matter, like the body, was evil. Thus, they pushed aside the law, since it was matter, and thought it was no good, and said that Jesus was never really a human (which we know is a blatant falsehood). To compare the religion of gnosticism to todays times, you could argue it is similar to those who don't beleive strongly and follow one religion, but are pursuers of "relative truths," so they acknowledge and don't disagree with Chrisitianity, but also acknowledge all other religions. So to wrap this up, John wrote this kind of as a circulation letter to those who were Christians in Ephesus during this time when they needed words of encouragment in their faith.

More on 1 John later- time to get ready to play in the snow! :)

Saturday

2010-01-16T13:51:00.002-05:00

Another lazy Saturday afternoon
spent separated from the cold winter day
under the warm covers I lay
on this Saturday afternoon.
With a cup of hot mango tea
I peer out the glass window at the naked tree
see the invisible wind blow the American flag
and cast shadows diagonally across my bed.
The sun streams in so blindingly bright
after passing yet another lonely, quiet night.
Freedom calls my name from the street below
echoing with impatience against all that I know.
Shall I sit, careless, and wath the ruby red cardinals flutter away
Or shall I join in their beckoning song and dance on this lazy Saturday.

2010-01-12T13:27:00.002-05:00

Here's something I started a while ago and have kept coming back to over the past several months. Not sure what it all means, still struggling with that and trying to figure it all out.

Untitled

Honor rides on his shoulders like a cowboy rides his prized stallion.
Although he has a tight grip on the reins,
beneath his chaps and boots
lies his shame.

Grace rains down from the heavens but doesn't touch his heart
because he wears a rain jacket of selfishness and pride.

He's breaking fast; his bones will soon be ground into powder.

It's raining harder and the skies are crashing and thundering louder.
Where will he turn? What will he do?

Mistakes, like death, cannot be undone
and lies, like natural disasters, cannot be reversed or taken back.
Hurricanes will always result in muddy floods
and earthquakes in broken, disheveled ground.

Similarly, once a man has made up his mind
and acted upon his thoughts,
his actions and the resulting reactions
are set in stone like a civil war memorial statue of a general in all his sinful glory.

The Desires of My Heart

2010-01-09T11:05:00.006-05:00

(Taken a few years back at Huntington Beach, CA right at dusk)

The Desires of My Heart:

To love from the deepest cavern of my being,
To love the souls of others and not myself,
To appreciate in nature what I presently am seeing,
To care for my youth and amplify my health.

Spending time with friends, family, lovers,
Finding new knowledge to read, digest, and discover,
Happiness and joy to fill each and every day I exist,
My dreams and ambitions shall forever persist.

But that which my heart desires most
Is to seek His strength in every action and deed,
Drawing near to the Kingdom and bringing glory to my heavenly Host:
This is what will cause my heart to succeed.

Grace

2010-01-07T13:53:00.006-05:00

The index of my Bible defines grace as "the undeserved love and salvation God gives."

I had always thought that I understood the meaning of grace: that my faith was partly based on the grace given to me through Christ's crucifixion, but it wasn't until just the past few days that I have discovered the depth and beauty and power of this thing we call grace.

The past few days I spent at a conference called Passion 2010 that was held in Atlanta, GA. There were over 21,000 students and 18 to 25 year olds at this 4 day event. The days consisted of large group sessions with speakers and bands leading worship songs to praise the Lord, smaller sessions called community groups where we got to talk about the struggles of our faith and the inspiration God gives us with family groups of 8 people, and a social justice component. Actually, that was amazing- the students donated over $660,000 to the 10 or 12 social justice causes they had at the conferene- AND THEN a couple in the audience was so inspired and moved by the conference that they wanted to write a check to MATCH that amount. AMAZING! God is SO great!

But going back to the concept of grace, let me begin by sharing Romans 5:1-2 with you:

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God."

I have recently learned and been awakened to the true meaning of the grace that God gives us, through his son Jesus Christ. And it wasn't until I had fallen to the bottom of the pit, until I had given way to sin and been overcome by the sinful desires of my flesh, that I was able to truly grasp and hold on grace and allow God to free me and truly wake me up.

Psalm 119:32 says:

"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."

One of the speakers at Passion explained grace in the following way: The cross is where our sinful nature intersects with God's glory and power, thus resulting in the magnificent love and grace that is given to us when we are so completely undeserving and unworthy.

Now that I can feel myself wrapped up in grace, I am completely happy and my heart has never experienced so much joy.

And when it boils down to it, it all goes back to faith. I don't deserve grace, or blessings, or joy from God. But because of my faith, because I truly believe in God and the good news of the gospel, I get all of this and more! Paul explains this in his letter to the saints in Ephesus in Ephesians 2:8-10:

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus..."

To close, the following are lyrics from a song we sung in praise at Passion:

"Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty.

Living in Your freedom we see Your glory.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty

We are Yours and Yours is the Kingdom!"

Back to Carolina

2009-11-21T19:52:00.004-05:00

photo borrowed from flickr

Take me home to Carolina
Bring me back to your side
Take me home to Carolina
Love's gonna come along for the ride
Cause by your side my feet are planted
and next to you I smile wide
Take me home, bring me near
Back to you

Southern comfort will always bring me peace
Walking slow and talking slow and sleeping under trees
You taught me love, you showed me hospitality
You let me grow my own wings so I could fly away free

(harmonica)

Take me home to Carolina

Bring me back to your side

Take me home to Carolina

Love's gonna come along for the ride

Cause by your side my feet are planted and next to you I smile wide

Take me home, bring me near

Back to you

Love without restrictions

2009-11-08T11:24:00.002-05:00

Yesterday the Gathering at UMD met two other campuses, American University and George Mason, in the downtrodden publichousing/projects neighborhood of Lincolen Heights in DC. We were there to serve and volunteer with the ministry Daybreak, an innercity ministry serving the families and their children of this community. There were about 30 volunteers there, crammed into this tiny liitle apartment building, eager and excited to just hang out with some kids.

I won't go through the whole say, but just an overview is that we played games with them, taught the kids a bible lesson, did arts and crafts, and memorized the verse James 4:8 (Draw near to God and he will draw near to you).

Daybreak is a bright beam of life in a community that otherwise seems so dark and lonely. This ministry provides these staruday outreach vacation bible school days twice a month for the kids, as well as a tutoring/afterschool program Monday through Thursday, as well as a mentoring program. It's awesome that God has provided this ministry to Lincoln Heights community.

I had the opportunity to go on a prayer walk through the community and hear about just a few of the hardships they have experienced. It's such a huge burden on my heart to hear these stories and get a sense of the hopelessness this community experiences daily. Since this was the first time I served and Daybreak, I haven't really seen or heard how the ministry is benefiting the community yet, but I know that giving children a safe, welcoming, and most of all loving place to be able to come and hang out and hear about God is such a blessing. Even when I was walking the sidewalks, peering up at the decrepit building and their barred windows, I coul still sense that God was there, loving down on that neighborhood, whether the community could feel it or not. And since his love is without restrictions, is a love thousands of times more fervent and powerful than any earthly love we could ever experience, God loves this community without restrictions.

The coolest thing about this is that God calls us to do the same thing, to join in with him on his force of love, not just for Lincoln Heights, but for the world. We are given this great calling, this amazing and righteous task to abandon ourselves and push away our wordly desires so that we can join with God in his love, and only through his grace and strengh we can actually come to love without restriction too. So I challenge you this week, find God'e furious love in your life, and then use it to love others without restrictions. Because what is a world that is devoid of love?

Just Give In

2009-08-29T10:57:00.003-04:00

It's a common phrase and question now to think or talk about what you would do if today was your last day. Honestly, as morbid as this may sound, I was thinking about what I would do if I were to die. I would be overjoyed on one hand to finally be going home to Christ, but for my last day here on earth, If I were actually going to die today, wouldn't I want to live the day completely for Christ- serving him as much as possible, showing others love all day long, and living as sinless and simply as I can? yes! A thousand times yes! So way than should any day be much different?

Our culture has a sickness; it's called being lazy. My generation is the worst at it, with procrastination being the underlying symptom. Things come up throughout the day that you have to do, or things occur to your mind that you should do, even things come up that you WANT to do- but still you put it off. "I should pray" or "I should talk to my roomates about God"....But then we don't do it. We put it off, saying this isn't a good time, or I'm too busy, or I have something else more important to do. But what's more important than God?

It's OK if we find ourselves doing this, trying to put off what's most important. It's almost natural because we are so used to putting off making big decisions, or doing homework, or excercising- the things that are important to our wordly lives. But what's more important than our wordly lives is our spiritual lives. We all have one, whether we consider our selves to be religious or Chrisitans or non-believers. You still have a spiritual life. It's that stirring inside of you, deep down in your heart, that tells you you aren't quite satisfied. It's that feeling you get when you make someone else happy and when you do good for someone else without gaining anything in return. It's wondering in your mind about how we all got here, what everything stands for, and what your life means in this world.

So I challenge you, whether you have a relationship with God or whether you never even realized that you have a spiritual life, I challenge you to listen to that voice inside you. When you try to put off doing something that's important to your spiritual life- may it be spending time in prayer or maybe just spending time by yourself thinking about the bigger things in life- just don't put it off. Give in, and you will be much happier for listening to your heart.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
-Matthew 5:3

You

2009-08-13T10:12:00.002-04:00

As the sun sets, you wrap your big, strong arms around the width of the earth, tucking in the day as you pull up the blanket of the still, silent night. You rest peacefully beside me as I sleep, watching over me and thinking of all the wonderful plans you have in store for my future. Then as the sun rises the next day, you peal back the viel of darkness and night and turn everything around me a golden, shining yellow. The new day you bring me you have filled with warmth, hope and joy. It's gift you give to me again and again and I always will gladly accept and share it with you. Thank you.

Shore House

2009-07-14T20:46:00.000-04:00

Shore House

Laughing Black-eyed Susan’s
the size of a grown man’s first
are scattered about in gardens
among the pebbled lawns.
The somber glow of dusk creeps toward
the little blue A-frame house
from the running tides
of the Barnegat Bay.

The horizon is enveloped in peaches
and pinks
and kites with long tails fly
below patchy purple clouds.
Sandy bare feet run on whitewashed decks
dodging splinters
and laughs echo against the
white sandy dunes that barricade the beaches.

What is Life/ What does it all mean?

2009-06-19T11:29:00.002-04:00

Those are two heavy questions that cross all of our minds a few times in life, or for some people I'm sure lay heavy on their heart all the time. Well, here's a new way of looking at life that I just starting thinking about:

I just read in the book Called to Question by Joan Chittister about her thoughts on life. She said, " Life on earth was simply a waiting ground for heaven." At first, I just read over at then kept going down the page, but that idea, earth being a waiting place, a preparation for heaven, kept recirculating in my head. Maybe that could be true? It makes a lot of sense.

Think of it like this: First, our time on earth is short compared to the history of humanity, and is even shorter, is only a pinch of the time we will spend in heaven after his life on earth, because we were given the gift of eternal life, being happy and content in heaven forever.

So if that's the case, then you can compare our time on earth to the foyer of a house. It's like when you are going over to a friends house or going to pick up someone for the first date, and the door is opened to you at the house, so you are welcomed in, and then you stand there, sometimes along or sometimes accompanyed by someone else who lives in the house, while you wait for your friend or significant other to come to meet you at the door. In those moments of waiting, there is an uncertainty around. You stand there awkardly or uncomfortably, looking around the hallway for something familiar, not sure what to do. You also don't know entirely what to expect, you don't know when your friend will come to the door, so there's a feeling of anticipation. That's just like what our life on earth can be compared to. It's the start of something much greater, that's for sure. And during times in our life, we all find us doubting ourselves, unsure of what we are doing, and most of the time we can never be sure of what's next and what's to come.

So then why really does this time, this breath of life, on earth even exist? Well, I've got a theory about that too. We could have st been created in heaven, or just gone straight there, or something along the uncomprehendable lines of that, but we were evidently put on this life for a reason. For all that man is, all that he is capable of doing and feeling, we had to have been created by a higher power, a divine hand that could be greater than we are. I know that God created each of us, and did so in his image. So then, God put on on earth for a reason.

When you experience something you would explain to another person as "beautiful", such as a pink and orange sunset over the water or an arching rainbow appearing over head after a downpour, those certianly are beautiful acts of nature. One of the reasons we may have been put on earth is so that we have a chance to experience things. God wanted to give us a glimpse of the beauty of what we are to experience in heaven. He wanted us to first experience the breath taking beauty of the nautre he made for us on earth before we experience the unthinkable beauty and glory we will see and witness in heaven.

Sometimes you see or hear about actions that one would describe as a miracle, whether it's big or small. For example, I would say that a few months ago or so when that pilot landed his crashing air plane in the Hudson River in out side of NYC and saved the hundreds of people who were going to die, I would say that's pretty miraculous. We hear about these king of miraculous events all the time and see others often online and on the news. Maybe it was just natural coincidence that caused them, but I really don't believe that. I think God has his hand in everything that happens. So what about you, and me? When do we get to experience our miracles? Just wait. If you keep your eyes and heart open, you'll see them all around you every day, though they may be small, they are there. I've expereienced a few already, because I understand that everything really does happen for a reason (but that's another time, another post). So all of these mini miracles, even the pilot landing his crashing plane, all of these are miniscule compared to the miracle that happens we we die, when our souls leave our bodies and pass, with angels and grace, to the heaven God created. That is the ultimate miracle, and we are just being given a tiny reminder and preview to it when we expereince so called miracles here on earth.

Finally, few people are lucky enough to ever really experience and feel love here on earth. Yes, you love your family and they love you. And yes, you love your friends and ya'll would do anything for each other. But I think the most powerful, potent love between to humans is the love and passion and yearning that two people who are truly, unabashedly in love, which is really only felt between the two people who are meant to be together, otherwise maybe known as soul mates. I kinda do think there's one person out there who I'm meant for, who from the beginning of time God said that this man would show me how to love and love me back. Unfortunately, and I can't understand why, but its disconcerting that the divorce rate in today's society is so high. And I can't explain that. Maybe those people settles before they were meant to? I don' know, I can't explain that. But what I can explain, is that I think the earthly love we have for the man/woman we love is the closest thing we can know on earth to what God's love is like for us. That yearning, heartfelt longing, and consuming love that you experience for your loved one is what God had given to us, to our hearts, so that we can have a tiny idea of what his love is like for us. But obviously, God's love really isn't even comparable to that, because he is God, and he can love like we can't even imagine.

What it comes down to is this: our time on earth is a short time of preperation before the real party starts, before we get to meet our wonderful creator, before we get to spend forever in the beautiful, miraculous, lovely heaven. (Just wanted to say, that I do think there are additional reasons we are here on earth, such as to reach out to our brothers and sisters and love them, and help them, and show them God's love; to spread the message of peace and help to bring justice to ourselves and our neighbors; etc... But that's for another time another post too) When we go to heaven we will see beauty that we thought couldn't be created, we will witness the miracle of eternal ife and real perfection, and what I'm looking forward to most of all, is that we will know what God's love is truly like, and our hearts and bodies will be filled to the brim, will be overflowing with his love for us.

Sky experiences

2009-06-15T22:28:00.004-04:00

I love looking at the sky. I always have. I remember when I was a little girl, around 5 or 6 years old, spending afternoons just laying on the front lawn in the soft cushiony grass and staring up at the clouds as they go by. My mom and I would tell each other the animals we saw in the clouds and laugh about how ridiculous some of the clouds looked. I remember this one specific day when I was in elementary school and I was walking to the cafeteria for lunch and as I walked outside I remember the sky was this deep dark piercing blue color that was just fascinating. A few summers ago when I was in Colorado volunteering at a camp for a month we went out at night a few times into a clearing and laid wrapped in blankets, looking at the stars. I have never seen such a busy, sparkling, beautiful night sky. I swear there's more stars out west then anywhere else in the world. There were also the warm summer night in high school where my friends and I would spend hours sitting out on the driveway or in someone's backyard just hanging out, talking, and star gazing.

Today I had another amazing sky experience. It was around 5:30 or so this afternoon and I was out on the bay kayaking. It's been a while since I've kayaked, and the last few times I had been I guess were just on small lakes and rivers, so being out on the water like this, the way I was today, was incredible. As I paddled past boat docks and wooded islands, around bouys and crab traps, I was amazed at how small I felt on this great expanse of water. And then when I looked up at the sky, I was even more belittled. The sky looked bigger and wider and greater than I've ever seen it before. In the distance, the horizon was both so close, yet so far. And though the clouds above my head, with their gray underbellies and white puffy tops, appeared to be so close that i could just reach up and rip them out of the sky like a piece of velcro, I knew the sky was beyond my comprehension. The sun was fading behind the clouds with the oncoming dusk, creating a golden glow to everything under the sky. I felt like I was right below heaven. I felt so small. I was so humbled.

When you're in a position where you are astonished at the beauty of nature, and you are actually humbled by what you see, you become so thankful for the gifts of nature, life, everything. As I was paddling back to my house this afternoon, not only did I feel that the clouds above where within reach, but I felt so close to God. Like he was right there- like I could put out my and and give him a high five- that kind of right there. Even though I couldn't actually see his face or literally hear his voice, I still saw him and heard him. He was in the glory and greatness of the clouds spanned across the heavens when I looked up. He was in the shining summer sun and the wind that gently pushed my boat along the choppy water. I could imagine him whispering behind my shoulder that I am his, and he loves me. Not only did I have a great sky experience today, but I experienced God.

I wrote a song on my guitar! :)

2009-06-12T23:13:00.003-04:00

Lord, I'm not gonna hold out on you anymore
Lord, please take away this hopelessness
Lord, let your light shine down on me
Lord, show me how to live free

You, let the rain fall
wash away the sins
the sins of the world
You, hung on the cross
died to forgive
you watched it unfold

(chorus:)
It's all about hope
It's all about grace
It's about turning toward you
letting you see my broken face
You teach me to love
You teach me to serve
You are everything to me
so much more than I deserve
You are my King
You are my King
You are
My king

Lord, you opened my heart
you showed my how to love
You've broken my soul
with your power from above

You, comfort the pain
give us strength to rise again
and conquer the world
You, create in my peace
a desire to love
I want to be the least.

It's all about hope
It's all about grace
It's about turning toward you
letting you see my broken face
You teach me to love
You teach me to serve
You are everything to me
so much more than I deserve
You are my King
You are my King
You are
My king

You are my King
You are my King
You are Jesus, my King
what does that make me.
You are my King
You are my King
You are
My king

The Grayness

2009-06-10T19:48:00.004-04:00

The ghosts hiding in the mist invite,
feelings of anticipation and anxiety that excite,
souls to awaken from their slumber at night,
while birds spread their wings overhead in flight.

The grayness comes up from the center of the earth,
resulting in a drab and colorless dearth
that strangles and suffocates creatures from their birth,
which leads to tempting, testing, and contemplating their worth.

The horizon can barely be seen far away,
across the lurching and tumbling of the bay;
the haze preceedes the ending of the day
and invites the gloomy dampness to stay.

Rebuild

2009-06-08T02:18:00.003-04:00

" 'I will bring back my exiled people Israel; they will rebuild the ruined
cities and live in them. They will plant vineyards and drink their wine; they
will make gardens and eat their fruit. I will plan Israel in their own land,
never again to be uprooted from the land I have given them,' says the Lord your
God." - Amos 9:14-15

A while back the band Switchfoot partnered up with Habitat for Humanity to help out after Katrina. They released this song around that time called Rebuild- it's an awesome song- great lyrics and a wonderful beat. You can actually download it free from Switchfoot, so go here and do that: http://www.switchfoot.com/rebuild/ .

It's really sad to think that the world has always been a broken place. Ever since the beginning of time there has been saddnes, pain, fear, longing. Many of us don't experience the brokeness that much of the world does. Yes, some of us do face hardships like broken hearts, sicknesses, or deaths in the family, and yes those are very hard times filled with lots of tears. But compared to the brokeness and disparity felt by those who have nothing in third world countries, we have it good.

I dream about the day that all this poverty, hunger, hurt, fear, death, fighting and war will be over. I dream about the day when every nation will be united and the people on this earth, our brothers and sisters, will be friends. I dream about the day when my God will bring justice to the earth and heal the brokeness that has seeped into so many hearts. I'm so thankful that the Lord is a loving God and that he believes in justice. I probably won't live to see this new kingdom on earth, when God rebuilds the lands and its people, but I know that day will come. And I can't wait.

Ambitions.

2009-06-06T02:49:00.003-04:00

Main Entry:
am·bi·tion
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle English, from Middle French or Latin; Middle
French, from Latin ambition-, ambitio, literally, act of soliciting for votes, from ambire

1 a: an ardent desire for rank, fame, or power b: desire to
achieve a particular end
2: the object of ambition
3: a desire for activity or exertion

Main Entry:
am·bi·tious
Function:
adjective

1 a: having or controlled by ambition b: having
a desire to achieve a particular goal : aspiring
2: resulting from, characterized by, or showing ambition
It's always very exciting when you have something that you are looking
forward to, something that drives you and compels you to do something with your
life. I have given and allowed myself to have ambitions and be ambitious for
once. It's always a bit scary, because with any type of goal that you set for
yourself or journey that you embark on, there is always the chance of failure,
of not acheiving. But with ambitions, what have you got to lose?
Every summer has pretty much always been the same. But looking back, even
just over this past year, I realize how much I've changed. For one, there's my
relationships with my family. I used to always take the time I spend over the
summer with my grandma for granted, but last summer I realized how precious our
time is together, how much I care and love her, and I'm so excited to see her
and spend time just sitting at her kitchen table sharing stories over cups of
tea and looking out the window at the sun set over the bay. Also, my
relationships with my parents have changed (not sure why I'm getting into ways
that I've changed... that wasn't the intention of this, but it seems to fit in
here, and I like to write, so why not...). Even though I hardly ever see them
anymore I feel like, just the major holidays really, I've grown a lot closer to
my mom. I actually kindof enjoy hanging out with her now (wierd! haha) and she's
more like a friend to me now than anything else. I'm not embarrassed to like
talk to her about the stuff that goes on in my life, and I much more value her
opinion about things now. But then on the other hand, for some reason my
relationship with my dad has gotten worse. I feel like the distance and space
between him and me just keeps getting bigger and bigger and when I do see him
it's kind of wierd and I don't know what to talk about with him. And even though
I am off at college and on my own, I still do feel that pressure to try to
succeed and please him so he can be proud of me. I think I may always have that
feeling, that need to try to make daddy proud. Maybe I just need to accept
that.... Oh and another thing, somewhere along the line, not sure when, maybe
since high school, or last year? I don't know, but that's not important as to
when, just sometime, I have really learn to appreciate life, to just look around
me and be thankful for what I see, thankful for what I have and what's been
given to me. Thankful for all the blessings, the wonderful and the not so good
ones, in my life. And being constantly thankful, aware of the blessings, and
appreciative of life in general makes life so much more happy, fun and
enjoyable.
.....
Anyways, back to now. This summer, instead of just getting a worthless summer
job because I have to and I have nothing better to do (well- it's never
neccesarily been my choice.. Dad always make me get a summer job- but that's OK)
I feel like I am really working for something. I mean, I do have just another
worthless summer job again, haha, actually the same one as last summer- but I've
also managed to get a second job too, so that's pretty exciting. So basically,
I'll be working all the time this summer. And though I surely will complain
about it often, I really don't mind. If I were not working, I'd be sitting
around the house or at the beach doing nothing. Plus, I've got a plan!
Ok so my plan is to save everything I make- as much as I can, minus minor
food expenses, gas money, and the occaisional splurge on a new shirt or
something of the sort.... And the long run plan, is that in general, once I've
saved enough to travel to the next place on my list, then off I'll go. My dream
is to be able to travel the world and write about it. Although I'm technically
not a writer anymore, this has been my dream since the beginning of middle
school, early maybe even. I just want to see the world, all the beauty in it,
experience the cultures that define the billions of people who breathe on this
planet we call earth, shake hands and share smiles with strangers from different
backgrounds, with different stories. I want to live life and experience all that
I can. That is my dream. And back again, to reality.... the money that I make
this summer will enable me to go back to Haiti again in January, and I can't
wait. I want to hug and see and play with all my friends again. I want to
experience that love and that hospitality and I want to help those people again.
I can't wait to go back.
I also am planning on working through the school year too, so with the rest
of my summer money, plus all of the school year next year, I should have plenty
saved up and then I will be able to go abroad over the whole summer next year!
I've done a lot of researching and I have found some amazing study abroad
programs. My favorite is actually in Prague, Czech Republic. Can you imagine
spendin 8 weeks in PRAGUE! Gosh, I can't! Haha! And another of my favorite
programs is in Guatemala and is focused on social work and spanish language.
That's perfect, because I would be able to get social work credit and help
people and learn spanish- which I've been meaning to do forever!
So, we shall see where the future leads me. I hate making plans ahead of
time, so I'm not going to. No. These aren't plans at all. These are just
aspirations. Ambitions.
I'm just being ambitious.

Sitting on the sands...

2009-06-04T11:57:00.003-04:00

I took this picture standing in the middle of the bay on a sandbar just off the coast of Percin, a slum in Haiti. The villagers took us out to the sandbar to marvel at the beauty of the Haitian land. We were rowed out there in a huge boat that was made from a burnt and dug out tree trunk. The guys who took us out there were so funny, they spoke little English, but the bit they did know they were taught by two American University students who had spent last summer there teaching English to kids. Sitting and rocking back and forth, back and forth in this boat, I couldn't beleive my eyes. Were they playing tricks on me? Our missions team had just walked from the dilipated buildings of the city street, where street vendors sold old tennis shoes or used electronics and where little children ran around playing games with no parent supervision, and we walked through the slum of Percin, with the hundreds of tiny shacks with mudfloors and few with tin roofs, with children staring out at us from behind their walls, through the holes in their walls, with holes in their own clothes. Walking down to the water, to the shore-side, through this broken village where I had never seen such depravity, I admit there were doubts in my mind. How could a God exist in a place like this, where the people actually have nothing? How could a God be here and not help and show love to these people? How could he let it get this bad for them? But then, sitting in the makeshift canoe, 100 yards away from the shore, I was baffled by how beautiful it was. I had just seen such poverty and ugliness, and now I was faced with the beauty of the world, of God's creation. I could see some old sailboats harbored nearby with big sails, the rocky hills of Haiti reaching up and dissappearing into mountains hidden by clouds, the bright, hot sun shining way high above our heads. God is here. He was there in the slums too. He was in the children's laughs, their smiles, the nature of the villages to care and love for us, different people from a different world who they didn't even know...

Sitting on the sands of the shores of life, each new day laps at my toes with the rising tide. I find myself amazed at everything-- at life, at love, at the beauty of nature. I know that life is what you make it. Tomorrow will be nothing unless you make it something. No matter what they say or what they do-- you are in charge of your life and you do hold your future, your destiny, the rest of your life in your own hands.

"The whole of human nature is a metaphor of the human mind." -Emerson

Is happily ever after only real in fairy tales

2009-06-02T11:21:00.002-04:00

Our society has become so dilluted with the idea of love, through movies, tv, and the media, that I'm afraid we may have set our own expectations too high. Things rarely ever work out the way they do in the movies: a boy and a girl stumble upon each other and experience the classic "meet-cute," it's love at first sight, they date without fighting and find they are perfect for each other, soul mates, he proposes in some utterly romantic way, they have a big, white, expensive, beautiful outdoor wedding, most likely along the beach, and then they live happily ever after.

But how likely is that really to happen in American society today? Less than 1% I'm sure. The divorce rate has been hovering around 50% for the past several years, and that's not good news for us single folks, or the married ones. So you're telling me, that I have a one in two chance of not living happily ever after? And if you think about it, its probably less still, because those people that are married and who don't divorce, how happy are they? And when I mean happy I don't mean you and your husband both work 9-5 jobs, have 2.5 kids, and a white picket fence in the suburbs (is that still even the American dream anymore)....

When I look down the road and picture myself just ten years from now, my idea of happiness is quite different from all of that- but its real. I could see myself living in some big, busy, polluted city in an apartment that is adorable by my standards, but might be a little small and dirty to others, but it suits me just fine. I work at a job that I absolutely love where I am able to make a tangable difference in the world, where I am able to better humanity and spread love. Maybe I've meet that someone special to spend the rest of my life with at that point, but maybe I haven't. There's no rush here. With my loving family, great friends, and a God who's always there, I could never be lonely. I don't need a guy to make me happy. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do desperately want to fall in love with a tall, dark handsome man who treats me like a princess, but just in case my fairy tale never comes true, I will still be happy....

I still don't thing, despite what our society reflects in statisitcs and heartbreaks, that we ought to give up on the idea of happily ever after, true love, and soulmates. It is out there. Maybe only a lucky few will ever find it, but I know that it is. If I search my brain I can conjure up a few friends and people I know who found their prince charmings and who live that live filled with love, joy, and happiness. So to all you who have love, congradulations, and to those of us who haven't yet, good luck. May the force be with you. :)

2009-05-31T01:15:00.004-04:00

Sitting at the kitchen table late at night-- the idea of sleep seems like a dream, but I've realized my diagnosis may not be insomnia but rather an addiction to caffeine-- I have a permanent smile, smirk of sorts, on my lips. I just realize how lucky, fortunate and blessed I am. I am aware of all the beauty that's in this world, how I can't go two minutes without witnessing some beautiful thing or another in nature, in life. And what's more, is when I am staring at this beauty, when it is in plain sight right before my eyes and I cannot be aware of anything else, it becomes astutely obcvious where all of this beauty comes from.

In case I'm being a bit ambigious, let me paint a picture for you: It's completely silent and quiet in the house because I have it all to myself, except for the soothing tunes of Josh Garrels in the background. It's a bit chilly because the cool Jersey shore air had yet to turn into that warm, summer breeze, so I'm comfortably wrapped up in my big red Maryland sweatshirt. My bare feet, with fresh red toe-nail polish, are propped up on the chair and my body is completely relaxed. My can of diet pepsi lime (I've lost count of how many that makes this for today) is beside the laptop- and next to me sits a petite glass vase with a single flower looking back at me. It's a type of daisy-I think- with a great big brown center that's soft and fuzzy to the touch, and what seems like hundreds of delicate deep yellow orange petals stretching out to the world around it. I might think the flower were lonely if it didn't seem to be so happy, bright, and smiling back at me.

Upon closer examination, after holding the flower in my hand, feeling the silky, gentle yet strong petals, I am overwhelmed with how much beauty and grace can be contained in this one little flower, this one daisy.

So much love and life and breath was given to this flower from the earth. So much gentleness was put into its growth. So much tenderness into its germination. It smells so sweet too, it almost seems unreal. Like one of those perfect little plastic flower you might buy at the craft store for 3.99- except its so far from that- this is real life. This is beautiful. This is creation.

And as i hold the wet, strong green stem between two fingers in my right hand, I not only see a cute yellow daisy, I see a piece of God himself. If this beautiful little thing were not part of God's creation, then someone please tell me how it could have been made. Everthing about this flower is beautiful. And is perfect. Even though some of its petals are longer than others and stick out at funny angles, and even though the center pollen thingies aren't symmetrical at all, this flower is perfect. I almost want to believe a more perfect flower has never been made. I looke at this flower, this living, growing thing, and thank God for growing it, and thank God for making me.

If this flower is perfect to God, than so am I. I believe that in God's eyes, he has made me who I am on purpose, and I find joy in the fact that I am loved for exactly who I am.

Untitled poem:

2009-05-28T15:17:00.002-04:00

There is only one set of footprints on my bedroom floor,
one set of breakfast, lunch and dinner plates piled in my kitchen sink.
One body floating through the front door
and just one bathtowel hanging next to the shower.
The only voices are those of characters on the tv
or faceless singers on the radio--
strangers that live with me in this empty house.
The vegetables in my garden and the herbs in my flower pot
aren't lonely.
The zuchinni has the squash
and the basil has the cilantro.
I have my shadow to follow me where I go.
Except for on cloudy, rainy, foggy days like today.
Today, I have my typewriter, my guitar, my countless cups of coffee
to keep me company.
The empy space beside me invites my thoughts to fill it.
The air around me beckons me to spin and twirl and dance.
The world outside my covered windows seems caught in a trance--
where no one exists and seconds melt into hours.
Inside, with socks to warm my feet and words to warm my heart,
I am comfortable.
A smile spreads across my face and threatens the darkness outside.
If it knocks on my door, it will find no one home.
And it will leave.

Long Beach Island

2009-05-24T12:28:00.005-04:00

Here I am again. Back home to LBI. LBI will always be a second home to me, even when my Grandma's house is gone (or, no longer "our" home). I've spent every summer here since I was born. It's more familiar to me than College Park, and just as familiar if not more than my town in North Carolina. I just love it here.

The four block walk to the ocean, the seagulls squaking at all hours, the starry sky, the smell of salt water, the sunset over the bay, the old hammock that is impossible to balance, bike rides, the wharf area. Everything here has been good memories.

And sadly, realisticly, this is going to be my last summer here. So i really should, and really do, want to make the best of it. I thought last summer would be my last, that I would have some snazzy summer internship lined up in DC, but I don’t. And that’s Ok. Because I love spending my summers here and having the chance to spend time with my grandma. This is usually the only time I get to see here, so I really value our time together. And I’ve learned to really appreciate all her stories of the good ol days and her words of wisdom. If you think about it, few people in the world ever purely love you. I mean, sure, you will have lots of boy/girl friends that say they “love” you and many friends who care about you and “love” you and your parents will always “love” you no matter what you do, but how genuine and real is that love when it comes down to it?

I can without a doubt tell that my Nana is one of the few people that will ever genuinely, purely love and care about me, and I am so thankful for that and for our friendship.

But back to LBI.

It’s definitely a big contrast to what I’ve been used to the past 8 or so months, living in College Park. It’s very family oriented here- and in CP because of the college town the family unit is basically non-existent. It’s very quite here. It’s very carefree, laid back and not stressful- which I am so relieved about. It’s completely the opposite of any big city or metropolitan area- no high rise buildings or chain restaurants or companies. It’s simple, that’s what the island is. And I cherish it’s simplicity.

I should really take advantage of that- and the free time I have away from school work and stress and other obligations- to discover new things. How many times in your life do you really have the opportunity to do that. I want to take up photography, and pursue it as a hobby on a normal basis. I have dabbled in it a few times before, but I have never quite gotten used to it and developed a skill for it.

Also, my bookshelf is staked with books upon books and countless magazines that are still to be read. Instead of sacrificing sleep to stay up watching terrible and boring movies until 3 am and then wanting to sleep till noon the next day, I should catch up on reading. Make something out of that free time when my insomnia is at its worst.

And now is the best time to get back in shape and start running again. Running on the beach is no easy task- it’s exhausting, but so fun! M oal is to get back to the level I was at at the beginning of freshman year where I can run 6 miles without stopping.

So I’ll leave with this. If you make one big purchase this summer, I encourage you to buy a good hammock. I really want to, probably won’t cause I’m saving my money for future travels and what not, but really, nothing is better than sitting and completely relaxing and taking a mid-afternoon nap in a hammock in the shade. :)

Jason Mraz is off the hizzay :) Finallizzay!

2009-05-13T23:17:00.003-04:00

So! I'm FINALLY going to see Jason Mraz in concert this summer >> AUG 9 in Phill << and I'm just beside myself with excitement! I can hardly wait! I was thinking, and out of all of the musicians and artists and singers that I really like these days, he is the one that I have liked for the longest. most of my music tastes have varied, swayed, and changed, but not for MR.A-Z. Nope. He's still in the top two. Him and JET. And I'm pretty sure JET is number 2. But I have seen JET in concert and got to be FRONT ROW CENTER and they were freakin amazing! So Jason has a lot to live up to. I'm pretty bumed I'm seeing him in an open stage setting with such a large crowd, I would much rather it be in a small setting, small stage like Black Cat in Bmore... or better yet a coffee shop would be ideal, but that's pushing it a bit.... Anyways, I'm super pumped to see him live and I know it's going to be a great show with G. Love and Bushwala there as well!!

Widget

2009-05-13T10:11:00.001-04:00

2009-05-07T09:53:00.002-04:00

What does peace look like in your life?
Is it saying hello to the garbage collectors or cleaning ladies? Is it refraining from chastising your roomates about their uncleanly habits? Is it telling your professor that you appreciate their words of wisdom and enjoy their class? Is it letting a friend know how much you love them? Is it allowing your significant other to have the last say and win the petty argument?
We are so blessed to live in a county that isn't experiencing war. We can wake up in the morning to a beautiful sunrise without worrying about walking outside. We lay our heads down on soft pillows each not to a lulling silence that is void of distant bombs and gun shots. Peace is essentially everywhere in our lives. It's given to us, yet we don't readily acknowledge or realize that and how lucky we are.
So take a moment and reflect on the peace in your life. Be thankful for the areas where it's present. And in those places where you could use some peace, work at trying to remedy the conflict, so peace can shine like the sun on a bright summer afternoon.

"Seek peace and pursue it"

2009-05-06T02:34:00.002-04:00

What would it look like if I turned my life fully over to God?

I'm convinced that my life would be filled with much more happiness and peace and joy, because with God, all there would be in life is love and hope. Lots and lots of it.

April has just passed us by

2009-05-02T23:13:00.002-04:00

First, check out the band Tenth Avenue North - if you listen to just one of their songs, go to their website and under the media page listen to the song By Your Side.

Secondly, some things are changing. I can't quite touch my finger tip to what they are, but I just know times they are a changing. It's almost as if I'm at a cross roads of sorts. I'm sure with what though. It's almost like, I finally am realizing what life is. We're only given a very short amount of years to tread on this Earth, and we really ought to do as much as we can with it, we really ought to enjoy as much of it as we can, and most importantly, we really ought to change things and make a difference when we can.

I am so fortunate and feel so unbelievably blessed to have been given everything that I have and to have experienced all that I have. And I shouldn't take that for granted. I know I should take the resources and time and abilities and gifts that I have and share them with the world, with those who don't have them.

I am just really excited for what the future holds. There are so many opportunities to learn, to grow, to laugh, to cry, to do good in days to come- I just can't wait for it all.

To end, here are some lyrics from that song you should listen to:

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

2009-04-15T15:51:00.002-04:00

Chai tea and economics--
there's just something intriguing about rainy afternoons.
Sipping sugar with a spoon.
Puddles present laughable comics
and people splish and splash
and get splashed by passing cars.
A flash of joy in a passing smile,
dash and dodge the raindrops.
The child crawls before he walks
and talks before he sings.
Windows cracked
and buildings built with colonial styles.
Walking on bricks to stop
and window shop.
Buy books to store
in crannies and nooks,
dirty shoes and wet socks.

2009-04-15T15:39:00.000-04:00

2009-04-15T15:31:00.002-04:00

Prickleberries slop.
Puddles of mud and pockets of rain.
Crunch.
Orange carrots and care for the poor
and destitute.
Coffee cups and pizza
tumble toward the edge.
Thin lines
words between vines
that crawl among rhymes.
Letters grow
like thunder.
Lighting lashes the horizon.
Teacups and sugar.
Spoons that swoon
and swing on trees.
Remember remember.
Ice.
Crystals that crack
and necks that crane
and look for love among lust.
Sweetness on the brink
of steel.
Still sparkles linger.
Crash.
Darkness collects.
Wings stretch.
Statues saturate.
And stillness survives.

2009-03-29T16:18:00.002-04:00

Never seen a day so beautiful
with the grass this green.

The clouds cast running shadows on the ground.

They try to race me and win.

Gray on the bottom, white on top.

Discolored like the dirty socks in my clothes hamper.

Puffy.

The clouds beckon me to join them

flying

high in the sky.

To become a part of the air.

I swim through the sky.

2009-03-14T12:22:00.002-04:00

In about 14 hours, I will be on my way to Haiti, rather God will be leading me there. Though I am excited to do somehting I've never done before, go to another country, and have fun playing soccer with children, I must make sure not to overlook the purpose of this trip. I am going to serve God, to do his will, to bring his love and mercy and peace and hope to the people in Haiti. And I believe that among all the destitution and brokennes down there on the island of Hispaniola, God is there.

I feel so blessed that God chose me and is using his hands to guide me to Haiti. I can only pray that I will be able to have the strengh and compassion needed to work so that the Haitians can see Jesus through my work and my actions. God truly is great and we really are his body.

Honestly, I am not afraid of being unsafe or scared down there in Haiti. What I fear the most is that the Lord is going to break my heart down there. That he's going to show me things and introduce me to kids that are going to hit my heart so hard that it will be impossible to forget. I'm afraid I'm going to want to do more, and that I'm not going to want to leave Haiti... But maybe I'm jumping ahead of myself. All I know now, is that I am so so so thankful for God's prescence in our lives, and that without him, I would be nothing.

home, sweet home

2009-03-10T08:08:00.002-04:00

Just spent a long weekend back at home. It's getting stranger and stranger to go back to my parents house, beacuse it's were I lived and grew up for for almost thirteen years of my life, but it's not home anymore. Regardless of that, North Carolina was very warm and sunny this weekend and I enjoyed sitting out on the front steps and just watching the world go by. It was also great getting to see my mom and dad and just spend time with them, watching movies and playing games and all.

I had the plan going into this weekend that I needed to talk about some pretty heavy things with them too. And we did have those discussions. (Unfortunately) the outcome of the conversations may not have gone ideally like I wanted, but I have faith that things are going to work out. Let's just say that I am very unsure of my future-- and even the fall-- right now, but I am accepting that and trying really hard to just hand everything over to God and not to worry at all, because I truly believe that he known the plan for me and that it is a good one....

These hands,
they hold on to earthly things--
but this heart,
with heavenly grace it sings.

The Trees

2009-03-04T23:49:00.003-05:00

Tonight,
the tips of the trees were on fire.
They burned with the setting sun.
Auburn red.
Flames engulfing the earth.
They burned as the day came to a close.

Standing straight
their branches envelope the earth.
They are stationed with good posture,
as if they went to Catholic school and were forced to stand up straight in line or else get rapped on the hand with a ruler.
They are like soldiers,
stationary. They cannot move but upwards,
towards the heavens.

Their golden bark glows in the light
as it dims. Their naked limbs are cold
with the coming darkness of night.

They beckon to me to join their party
in the mysterious forest beyond,
to dance underneath them and hear my
heavy feet crunch the dead leaves below them.

I look up and see the sun slipping from branch to branch,
all the way down to the mossy ground.

2009-03-03T22:08:00.002-05:00

Give my tiny hands needle and thread
and they will work to mend this broken world.
Rest on my shoulder your frowning head
and it will provide comfort for your woes.
I will lend you my ear,
again and again,
as you pour out your heart and soul to me--
if only your sorrows could be free.

Give me supplies and I will go make,
a tower to heaven for all the world to take.
By His grace we are saved.
He is the maker and I am only the clay.
Justice and peace, love transcending all.... I pray.

Day by day, my steeps quicken with speed,
fastening down for the ever growing need,
that the world continues to bear.
She gives birth to more tears every hour
than a gentle smile could ever hope to devour,
but all hope is not lost yet,
for what's that I see on the horizon--
community, freedom, good-will,
and grace.

One day,
love will be all that is left
to fill up this empty sace.

2009-03-02T07:17:00.002-05:00

"Your voice is all I hear somehow"
That's from a Joshua Radin song (Im becoming obsessed with his
music :) ) and I love it because that's exactly how I want to feel about the Lord. I want his voice, his guidance and direction, to be the only thing I hear, the only prescence in my life. I wish I could say that is how it is now, but I would just be kidding myself. It't not easy to train your mind to focus only on God; it takes practice and trial and error. It's hard, because the devil is trying to sneak in there and grab my thoughts and my actions.
But I patiently and persistantly pray for strength to keep my eyes on what is good, holy, and unseen.
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (1 Corinthians 4:17-18)

2009-03-01T19:30:00.006-05:00

( I didn't take this picture, I just found it online.)

ISN"T HE CUTE!!!!!???

So basically, this was me all weekend. I think I got 11 hours of sleep on Friday night and 12 hours last night. And let me just tell you, the cure for the common cold is totally SLEEP! Sleep + as much Vitamin C as you can get + Zicam cold medicine + juice = getting well fast. I feel so much better than I did last Wednesday and Thursday.

I know I usually post poems and such, but for some reason my creativeness in me has been MIA lately. I'm sure if I sat down and didn't stop thinking untill I pounded out some verses that rhymed, but I hate forces creativity. The best creativitiy comes from passion and from your heart- it's natural.

It's been a great weekend though- Friday I got to Skype (i just discovered Skype and I LOVE IT!) with my best friend from home, Janice, and it was great to talk with her and catch up. She showed me some really cool pictures that a friend of hers, Aaron, took while he was in Haiti. Here are the photos she showed me:

And the reason I'm so excited about these pictures and about sharing them is because I'm going to HAITI in exactly TWO WEEKS!

I'm going with a group of seven other UMD students and recent college graduates through a ministry on campus called THE GATHERING. We're going on a missions trip to Percin, which basically sounds like a little ghetto in a town called Petit Guave. We're going to be focusing most of our time and effort on spending it with the children in this village. I hear we'll be playing lots and lots of soccer (which I'm super excited about) and doing educational activities with them. Another big part of the reason we are going here is to host workshops with the adults in the village to teach them about the importance of family relationships, becuase evidently within Haitian culture, parents don't really associate themselves with their own children and don't even play with their kids.

Can you imagine a five year old boy trying to take care of his newborn baby sister all by himself?

Well, unfortunately that's how it is there- and were hoping to teach them ways in which the adults can be more interactive with their kids and how they can ensure that their children live healthier and better lives.

And I have to raise a totall of $1800 to be able to go, which is alot, but I know its going to be totally worth it, and I still need about $700, so I'm just hoping the Lord will provide somehow- and I know that he will.

So anyways, we'll be in Haiti for a week and I'm just so excited to start new freindships with the Haitians and see what God has in store for us to do there.

2009-02-26T12:35:00.002-05:00

Each day I persistantly pray for patience,
gathering my pride and confessing
my failures.

When the winds and rains come,
I do not fear,
for I have my umbrella.

My hope comes not from within,
but from above.

I cry out in the night and
You
are there.

There to rescue me from darkness
and pain.

You paint a smile on my face
and make my heart beat with glee.

2009-02-25T13:53:00.001-05:00

Romans 12:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your reasonable act of worship.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.

Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to do menial work. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord (Deut.) On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink… (Prov.)

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Silly little prayers

2009-02-25T01:53:00.002-05:00

There she sat,
smiling and giggling
at all the silly bubbles and baubles life placed on her plate.

She hated hello's and goodbye's,
loved the rain,
and wanted to make a difference in the world—
not for her,
but for others.

Her pink lips and golden brown eyes
open wide to take in the world.

She closes her eyes,
tilts her golden head up towards the shimmering
bright
sun. She breathes in deep—
taking in life and letting out love.

She tries to train her heart to love no matter what,
despite her own bruises and bandages,
she's determined to love better,
to love more,
to care deeper.

She prays to be taught how to love like He loves her.
Unconditional.
Merciful.

She knows she can't attain His perfection—
for He's the only one—
but she can hope to obtain enough love that her heart will overflow
and she can pour it out to others.

Prayers for peace.
Justice.
Hope.

Prayerss for friends,
for family,
for the world.

Big prayers that climb mountains and small ones
that crawl into ant holes.

He answers them all.

2009-02-23T20:53:00.004-05:00

Here's a beautifully written poem by T.S. Eliot called
Ash Wednesday:
It's definitly worth taken the time to read.

http://www.msgr.ca/msgr-7/ash_wednesday_t_s_eliot.htm

Further into the forest

2009-02-17T13:45:00.001-05:00

Further into the forest
Each year I walk a little farther,
gathering my belongings—my smiles and my tears—
and stuffing them into suitcases and trunks.
I believe the movement enables me to grow,
but some may argue I am running from my fears.

After a month or two of showers and baths,
it becomes time to buy a new bar of soap.
Or I could forgo the cleansing,
escape to the woods,
and pursue a journey for a new kind of hope.

I would walk farther than ever before,
scaling mountains and wading through streams—
though my life would be wet and dirty,
spotted with bugs, mud, and evergreen trees,
I would be running after my dreams.

The trees would grow taller around me
as I hide out in the wildnerness.
Would I continue to grow?
Would my fears begin to show?
Or would they, and the life that I lived, disappear with tenderness?

After lying in the clearing for so many years,
eventually I would find what I was searching for.
A bright light will appear above me,
beckoning me on towards the heavens
as I rise up with the key and open a new door.

2009-02-15T19:25:00.002-05:00

Nature reflects itself within me,

Causing my heart to fill with rain, water, grass, and pollen.

My self grows as does a plant,

Reaching upwards and higher towards the heavens.

I stand tall and firm like an old oak tree,

My branches reaching out and forming the bond we

Share and hold, as dust formed me and thee.

The leaves will die as the seasons befallen.

Up my trunk crawls a wee little ant.

Shelter and love to it I do grant

For it whines from toil and I tire of its rant,

Least this beast gains wings and me it leavens.

My pumpkin

2009-02-15T00:45:00.002-05:00

There's a pumpkin poised on my kitchen table--
it's been sitting there for several months.
The orange brings a pop of bright, warm color
to the drabness of the room.
It was a present from my father
to welcome the fall and ring in October.
And now that spring is around the corner
my jack-o-latern friend seems out of place.
He's lonely there, next to the Valentine's roses,
but I can't bear to move him:
off the table, out the door, down the stairs,
and throw him into the dumpter.
It would be such a shame.
He reminds me of my favorite season:
the coolness that is refreshing after the heat of summer,
the falling, crinkly leaves,
the thought and hope of snow,
Thanksgiving and family.
All are good memories that I don't want to let go.

2009-02-14T12:02:00.002-05:00

The frozen ground I tread on turns my breath to steam.
Everything’s cold and still
as if I’m sleepwalking through a never ending dream.
Wake up!
I need to feel alive.
Get up!
My passion the cold can never kill.

Wandering through these lazy days
I feel less and less accomplished,
trying to make sense of the different ways
to take through life’s silly journey.
Keep going!
I’m encouraged.
Don’t stop!
I’m pushed on.
Moving onward, though sometimes slowly, with no delays.

My soul floats above me
and views this weakened face.
Apart from my body
my thoughts float off into space.
I need to anchor my feet
to this cold ground below.
I must keep grounded
and hope my thoughts don’t blow.

Tear the shackles away.
I won’t run.
I just can’t stand my body to be bounded.

2009-02-13T14:36:00.001-05:00

I have no words.

I need me some inspiration.

2009-02-11T23:19:00.002-05:00

I can taste spring in the air
it tickles the tip of my tongue
my prayers for life and love have been answered
in the breeze
I seek and find hope
The vast blue book above my head beckons
me to the heavens
its pages covered with white puffy words
that make funny animal forms
I see a bunny
a giraffe
a turle
I see myself
I see God

The wind forms a vacuum around my body
it blows my bones
signaling a sweet rain
that tastes like gum drops when it hits my lips

Crawling over the horizon the sun
begins the day with light
Vague at first
an ever present glowing in the back of my mind

My feet beg to be bare
and frolic through thick
green grass
We spun in circles
arms outstretched
and fall down on our bony backs
the ground soft beneath
with our cares and worries left spinning
in circles above our bodies
with giggles gurgling from our red mouths
we can’t stop laughing
I can’t cease smiling

2009-02-08T19:58:00.004-05:00

Just take it for what it is.
And what is that?
You decide.

oh, and p.s.- all of these photos that I am posting from now on, including this one and all future ones, as well as the beach picture at the top, are my photographs :)

2009-02-06T08:22:00.004-05:00

So, I'm filling out a registration form for something and it asks all the usual information: name, gender, address, school, major, graduation year,etc. But I get down to the bottom and see the question "Intended Career Field" and it totally just threw me off. I realize, and this never occured to me, that I have no idea what I "intend" to have as my "career." When I tell people I am majoring in journalism, they automatically assume I want to be a journalist, but I would say that is false. I love to write, and that's about it. I've discovered the hard way, through many articles and late late nights, that being a reporter is not for me. I don't enjoy that stress, that level of dedication to the press. Instead, I just like to write. Poetry mostly, maybe a few short stories here and there, and hopefully novels one day down the road. But unfortunately, these days one cannot really make a living off of rhyming words and prose. Darn. I raelly had my hopes up. :)
So what now? Well, you know, I'm actually not worried about it at all. I know that God has a plan for me and I know that it's a good one. If for some odd reason his plan is for me to be a journalist, then it won't be easy and I won't always enjoy it, but I'll do it. If his plan is to live in Africa and do whatever I can do help those people, to love on them, and to let them hear the good news, then I would be so excited to do so. If his plan is to work for a non-profit, cool. If it's too start an intentional community so I can reach out to my neighbors and help them and love on them, then I would be all the more ready for it.
Bottom line is, I have no idea what the Lord has in store for me. My future truly is a blank slate, and the Lord holds the white stub of chalk with which he uses to draw out my life story.

Obsession

2009-02-04T21:49:00.004-05:00

If wishes could fly I would send one to you
surely there are pieces of the world you desire that are not in your possession
whether something imaginative or something true
let me give you this one digression.

You think not about what you have but draw conclusions from what is gray and blue
and that which appears bright and red has come as a single transgression
but fear not for this hope is within view
death shall no sooner overcome your fleeting session.

Colors of the earth blend with blacks and whites of the sky forming an interesting hue
so that your eyes will sparkle and the stars leave on you an impression
caught up quite within life you have been hiding from view
now the wish has come pick your obsession.

Why I Write

2009-02-02T23:03:00.003-05:00

In the spirit of classic authors, and because I am about to read my homework for class, which is two essays by famous writers, both titled "Why I Write," I am going to share with you, briefly, my thoughts on the matter:

....

(this is harder than I thought it would be) ...

.....

Writing is my way of expressing my innermost feelings, the ones that are hiding within my heart, that no ears will ever hear. For me, putting dark lead or ink words and letters on to a blank page or tapping my fingers on lettered keys as letters appear next to a flashing cursor on the computer screen, is life. I am my words and my words are me.

I would be nothing without words, without prose, without poems. They are my outlet and my way to clear my mind of exciting or troubling things, such as love, fear, rain and God. Through my writing, I can work at sorting through the messes inside of me so that when letters form words that form sentances and thoughts and ideas and messages, everything just makes sense.

Writing is also a way for me to convey a message to the world, a bridge of understanding of sorts. Through writing, I can speak in ways I could never do aloud, use language more carefully, more thoughtfully, and be definitive about what I say and mean. Writing makes me happy. Writing is my love.

New Friends

2009-01-31T14:58:00.003-05:00

To laugh with strangers is a rare gift
when chuckles and giggles come fast and swift
tearing apart any withstanding rift
then you know you have made friends.

A smile from lips unfamiliar and eyes unknown
and pure joy from within that is not your own
when words and gestures, thoughts and care atone
then you know you have made new friends.

When a simple touch on the arm brings a smile to your face
and life creeps on slowly at an enjoyable pace
the sweetness of heaven you can almost taste
then you know you have made good friends.

2009-01-31T01:17:00.002-05:00

I abhor anticipation. It makes me very, very nervous and I get this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that works its way up to my heart and my mind if I worry about the future for long enough. It's very strange. Like, if I think too much about what I'm doing over the summer, and really start to try and plan things out, I get nauseous. I really hate making plans too, because right before the aforementioned plan is about to occur, my brain wants to bail and not partake in the event. I wish life could be led out of spontaneity completely. Things would be much more enjoyable, fun, carefree, and meaningful then, I shall presume.

2009-01-29T10:31:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, I hear a ticking noise, but no clocks or watches or time machines are near by. What could the tick-tock, the click-click-click, counting every single passing second be from?

Dodging rain drops

2009-01-28T17:17:00.003-05:00

Today, I was dodging rain drops
running to and fro
playing hide and seek with puddles
with no umbrella anywhere I go.

Although the water fell fast from the heavens
and spiraled down towards the vast earth and ground
I managed to stay dry and warm and
in comfort I abound.

As darkness blankets the concrete roads
shining and glimmering with wetness
I settle in with bread and cheese
and take off my shoes and dresses.

The rain may continue during the night
but I know that come morning and morrow
the sun will be bright and glowing
providing joy and happiness for all to borrow.

Untitled Poem

2009-01-26T10:50:00.003-05:00

The peaceful glistening, shimmering, shining of the snowflakes brings serenity to my soul.

The cold soothes the furious fires within my body,

unknots the coil of my stomache, allowing me to breathe.

The brisk January air turns my nose, cheeks and ears to a rosey pink-- a shade of subdued hope.

The flakes catch on my eyelashes and my lips, soft and tingly like a lovers touch, but they leave not love for passion is laking in the cold.

They are prevented from getting to my heart for my scarf, twisted in knots like my insides, is wrapped around my neck, protecting my chest from this winter storm.

Quickly, bouncing along the sidewalk, my red shoes glistening on the concrete, my red coat shimmering with moisture from the snow

Quickly I stroll, hands hiding in pockets, I retreat to my warm den, my comfortable abode.

Prayer

2009-01-25T02:07:00.002-05:00

Lord, why do I continue to fail you? How can I judge others, when I myself stand to be judged and deserve to be judged? I don't deserve your love Lord, yet you still love me. I sin and you forgive me and I don't deserve to be forgived. Your mercy is so great Lord. Thank you. Thank you times one thousand.

Lord, please give me strength to be good, to live a pure life, to spend every hour of every day in a way that would honor you. It may not always be easy, and many times I may wish for another way, another life Lord, and I am so sorry for those times, but Lord above all I do just want to bring you glory, to praise you, to thank you. I just want others, my friends to understand your love Lord, and the amazingness that you are. But my actions did not reflect that. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Please give me the strength, courage, and will power not to mess up again. I love you Lord. I always have and I always will.

Books

2009-01-24T00:05:00.000-05:00

If I could do anything, I would take a year off- just 12 months, that's all I'm asking for- go and live at my grandma's house at the shore, and just read. I have SO many books to read. I've realized that I have a book fetish. I am obsessed with books, bookstores, etc. BUT I don't have the time to read. And when I do have free time, I just need to let my brain not think because when I'm busy I'm so stressed out that the little freedom it has it just needs to breath and relax. I have about 20 magazines, mostly old National Geographics and Conde Naste Travelers to read, and they are not fast reads either, they take a while. And Im only halfway through my book of Emerson, which I'm loving by the way. And then I just, I can't even list all the books on my book shelf. Novels, non-fiction, Chrisitian books, textbooks. Did I mention I was going to re-teach myself french over break, I got two french books for Christmas, and only got to chapter three in one of them.... and I start my french class (the first one in over a year) at 9 am on Monday! ZUT!!! (which I do remember means "darn" en francais....) And now, instead of rambling on, I could very well be relaxing on my nice warm, comfy bed with Mr. Emerson and my cup of now cool coffee (yes, I am drinking coffee after mid-night... WHY?! ZUT! Je ne sais pas!) and reading and learning and discovering. But no, I am rambling. I like to ramble and read. Read and ramble. Hmm.....

2009-01-23T23:08:00.000-05:00

I take time for granted. If you think about it, time is one of life's most precious gifts. Without time you couldn't appreciate the beautiful purples, pinks and oranges painted like watercolor in the sunset or sunrise. Without a split second, you couldn't enjoy a warm and friendly smile. Without minutes, you couldn't have a heart-felt conversation with those you love. Without hourse you couldn't lay in bed, wrapped in warm blankets, and just rest your soul. Without days you couldn't grow stronger, wiser, older. Without years you couldn't live your life to your own grand, miraculous potential. Time is most definitly one of God's greatest gifts. And concurrently, God defies time. He is time. He is moments, seconds, minutes, hours, days, years. He is life. He is my every breath in and out, my every smile. He is the beauty in the sky, the sleep and rest for my soul, the energy in my coffee. It baffles me that so few believe. Why not? What have you got to loose? God is as real as you are. I feel and see Him in everything. He is with each passing moment you experience. That breath you just took, He was in that. These words that you're reading, He is in them. He is.

Hope Chant

2009-01-21T10:54:00.000-05:00

Hope for a nation

hope for a generatoin

Love that will soar

compassion that will end all wars

Peace for the people

Righteousness from the steeples

Faith to overcome

strength to come together as one

and courage to perservere

Unity will bring us near